tau_neutrino

from totalBF2.com:




Scientific Laws of Battlefield

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1. If you spot an enemy before he sees you, chances are you will die.

2. The probability of killing someone is inversely proportional to how much you want to kill him.

3. For every good thing done, something bad happens.

4. If you see a bunch of easy targets in front of you, you will miss all of them and die.

5.You have a better chance of throwing a handfull of sniper rifle bullets and killing the enemy, than shooting them at him.

6.For every one enemy you kill with mines, you will kill 2 friendlies and they will both punish the TK.

7.Idiots have a unique pheromone receptor which can sense a friendly arty strike. Once initiated they run to the center of the strike like moths to a flame, thrust their noses in the air and put there finger on the PgDn button ready for the climax!

8.Thou shalt always respawn into an arty strike or a massive unfriendly assault and die before you can do anything.

9.A dune buggy slowly slipping down a gentle slope is the most brutal and deadly thing in the game if you're standing in its path.

10.When fleeing from an enemy, you will be shot to death, inches away from your cover.

11.when a gunner in a helo, chances are u got the worst pilot u can think of

12.When you have no money chances are your joystick will go funny.

13.If someone with an ak101 happens to glance at you, you will instantly die of fear.

14.No matter what weapon you carry, it will take over half a magazine to attempt to kill the guy that take you out with a three round burst or less.

15.Holding right mouse button when throwing a grenade changes throw length from feet to inches.

16.Even with the dexterity to balance the blade of his knife on his finger, a soldier will constantly miss when lunging to stab a stationary enemy.

17.Somehow, a man can take a 50.cal sniper round to the chest WITHOUT DYING.

18.Your pistol is a much better sniper rifle than your .50cal rifle

19.A crescent wrench can fix anything

20.You can raise a flag in a tank.

21.Seconds before you get your hard-earned Flag-Capture Point, an Enemy will pop up and kill you, giving the Capture Point to your Team-Mate.

22.After shooting an enemy Tank to low Health with your APC, your Gun will overheat and a Team-Mate will grab the kill, leaving you with not even a Kill-Assist.

23.You will never be able to swim away fast enough from an accidently drowned Jeep.

24.Claymores only kill foolish teammates.

25.If you want an enemy to abandon an armoured vehicle, run at it from the rear and let them see you doing it, they'll jump out.

26.No matter what, dephibulators cure all

27.the pinnacle of aviation technology cannot help a bomb hit its target

28.all vehicles have electrical armour plating, as when u touch it, ur dead

29.The more you press the 9 key to deploy a chute, the less likley the chute will deploy

30.You spawn right next to the enemy tank.

31.If you want to be a sniper you should choose Anti-Tank Class.

32.Just as you detonate the C4 on the UAV trailer, two to three teammates will drive up in a jeep right next to the detonation site.

33.No matter how much you shoot a guy parachuting down, he will never take any damage. And, when he gets down you are out of ammo and he kills you.

34.You are killed after a 10 minute run to an enemy flag, right before you reach it.

35.Water is extremly flamable and will cause vehicles to explode.

36.If your ina group and run into a single enemy, you WILL die first.

37.Confucious say: When commander drop supply crate from sky, look up or you will endure headache until next spawn

38.Confucious say: Man with handful of wheat will hit enemy more than with M229 SAW.

39.Spawning is more like a race to the heli.

40.A tank thats motionless while capturing a flag will wait until you run up behind it to plant C4 before the drivers cat steps on the S key and kills you.

41.Just after you found a great Spot to snipe from, while taking careful Aim at a Group of Enemies - you will be knifed from behind.

42.After taking a few well-aimed Shots at an Enemy, he will spin around and kill you with a single round from his MP5.

43.You must be the fattest person in the army as you cannot fit through a 3 foot wide gap between the bamboo

44.After throwing a pack of C4 ontop of a smoking tank, and pulling out detonator, the remaining C4 (in your pocket) will magically explode...every time.

45.If you are capping a flag alone in a tank the one enemy that manages to spawn in time will be a spec op...

46.If you are capping a flag and once it goes neutral you hear arty guns firing in the distance, run like #@$%!!!

47.If you need tank support, drop a mine on the road and a friendly tank will show up in no time...

48.If you respawn as an anti-tank the tank will have either disapeared or magiclly spawned many enemys' who know exactly where you respawned

49.When in need of medical aide call for a supply drop, the crate will be there in no time to crush you to death, thus ending your need for medical aide

50. Asking a Commander for ammo means he will send Artillery with the assumption you catch them and throw them at the enemy.

kin3

Great. LOL

__________________
The Old Guy
kin3

IAmCrazy

Oh man, that one had me cracking up!

__________________
"If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen" -Jim Hightower

LTLDrummerBoy

that's hilarious! had me laughing at work

Tempus

Man, all of those are hilarious!

__________________
Battlefield 2/2142 Game Officer
Contact me with server/player/admin issues.




-- Suits are what you wear when doing things you shouldn’t want to do anyway.

FROM THE TACTICAL GAMER PRIMER.
3) Support game play in a near-simulation environment. Where the focus of play would not be solely on doing what it takes to win, but doing so utilizing real-world combat strategy and tactics rather than leveraging exploits provided to players by the design of the game engine.

GassyGnoll

Funny Stuff!

__________________


"All warfare is based on deception."
-Sun Tzu

Obi

hee hee ha ha ho ho!

I can relate to a few of those.

TG_Rizzo

"A crescent wrench can fix anything"

Sounds like my dad.

morose

Hehe.

__________________
"Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun."

0rton

14.No matter what weapon you carry, it will take over half a magazine to attempt to kill the guy that take you out with a three round burst or less.

34.You are killed after a 10 minute run to an enemy flag, right before you reach it.

36.If your in a group and run into a single enemy, you WILL die first.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All True. those three ALWAYS happen to me lol especiall 36. no matter how many of us there are, even if there are three guys in front of me, i always die first! lol

__________________

houdini

I tell you, when I'm going support, the "Pulp Fiction" corollary is in effect...permanently.

I'll stalk my opponent, pop out of nowhere, and spray him down with a stream of fiery death.

...and then he pops me dead with his pea-shooter.

__________________
|TG| HOUDINI





Tactical Gamer Primer
TG Armed Assault: Basic Rules and Procedures

Migglesworth

Right on. THis is the funniest BF2 related thing i have seen thus far.

ed_chiang11

Original work by someone else (Apocalypse416) and added a few more in myself:

The following laws apply to Public ranked servers, and some of these laws exist exclusively on TG server 1.

1. If you spot an enemy before he sees you, chances are you will die.

2. The probability of killing someone is inversely proportional to how much you want to kill him.

3. For every good thing done, something bad happens.

4. If you see a bunch of easy targets in front of you, you will miss all of them and die.

5.You have a better chance of throwing a handfull of sniper rifle bullets and killing the enemy, than shooting them at him .

6.For every one enemy you kill with mines, you will kill 2 friendlies and they will both punish the TK .

7.Idiots have a unique pheromone receptor which can sense a friendly arty strike. Once initiated they run to the center of the strike like moths to a flame, thrust their noses in the air and put there finger on the PgDn button ready for the climax!

8.Thou shalt always respawn into an arty strike or a massive unfriendly assault and die before you can do anything.

9.A dune buggy slowly slipping down a gentle slope is the most brutal and deadly thing in the game if you're standing in its path.

10.When fleeing from an enemy, you will be shot to death, inches away from your cover.

11.when a gunner in a helo, chances are u got the worst pilot u can think of

12.When you have no money chances are your joystick will go funny.

13.If someone with an ak101 happens to glance at you, you will instantly die of fear.

14.No matter what weapon you carry, it will take over half a magazine to attempt to kill the guy that take you out with a three round burst or less.

15.Holding right mouse button when throwing a grenade changes throw length from feet to inches.

16.Even with the dexterity to balance the blade of his knife on his finger, a soldier will constantly miss when lunging to stab a stationary enemy.

17.Somehow, a man can take a 50.cal sniper round to the chest WITHOUT DYING.

18.Your pistol is a much better sniper rifle than your .50cal rifle

19.A crescent wrench can fix anything

20.You can raise a flag in a tank.

21.Seconds before you get your hard-earned Flag-Capture Point, an Enemy will pop up and kill you, giving the Capture Point to your Team-Mate .

22.After shooting an enemy Tank to low Health with your APC, your Gun will overheat and a Team-Mate will grab the kill, leaving you with not even a Kill-Assist.

23.You will never be able to swim away fast enough from an accidently drowned Jeep.

24.Claymores only kill foolish teammates.

25.If you want an enemy to abandon an armoured vehicle, run at it from the rear and let them see you doing it, they'll jump out.

26.No matter what, dephibulators cure all

27.the pinnacle of aviation technology cannot help a bomb hit its target

28.all vehicles have electrical armour plating, as when u touch it, ur dead

29.The more you press the 9 key to deploy a chute, the less likley the chute will deploy

30.You spawn right next to the enemy tank.

31.If you want to be a sniper you should choose Anti-Tank Class.

32.Just as you detonate the C4 on the UAV trailer, two to three teammates will drive up in a jeep right next to the detonation site.

33.No matter how much you shoot a guy parachuting down, he will never take any damage. And, when he gets down you are out of ammo and he kills you.

34.You are killed after a 10 minute run to an enemy flag, right before you reach it.

35.Water is extremly flamable and will cause vehicles to explode.

36.If your ina group and run into a single enemy, you WILL die first.

37.Confucious say: When commander drop supply crate from sky, look up or you will endure headache until next spawn

38.Confucious say: Man with handful of wheat will hit enemy more than with M229 SAW.

39.Spawning is more like a race to the heli.

40.A tank thats motionless while capturing a flag will wait until you run up behind it to plant C4 before the drivers cat steps on the S key and kills you.

41.Just after you found a great Spot to snipe from, while taking careful Aim at a Group of Enemies - you will be knifed from behind.

42.After taking a few well-aimed Shots at an Enemy, he will spin around and kill you with a single round from his MP5.

43.You must be the fattest person in the army as you cannot fit through a 3 foot wide gap between the bamboo

44.After throwing a pack of C4 ontop of a smoking tank, and pulling out detonator, the remaining C4 (in your pocket) will magically explode...every time.

45.If you are capping a flag alone in a tank the one enemy that manages to spawn in time will be a spec op...

46.If you are capping a flag and once it goes neutral you hear arty guns firing in the distance, run like #@$%!!!

47.If you need tank support, drop a mine on the road and a friendly tank will show up in no time...

48.If you respawn as an anti-tank the tank will have either disapeared or magiclly spawned many enemys' who know exactly where you respawned

49.When in need of medical aide call for a supply drop, the crate will be there in no time to crush you to death, thus ending your need for medical aide

50. Asking a Commander for ammo means he will send Artillery with the assumption you catch them and throw them at the enemy.

51. In a jet when you think you are safe, the next thing you see is XXXDarkViperxxx [J10] yourname

52. Just when you are doing good, you will be kicked for a supporting member

53. If you are having a rusty night, do not go on teamspeak, especially when Munchkin is around unless you want to laugh you bum off.

54. When Santa is the CO on the opposing team, stay home, what he will give you is more dangerous than Detroit's acid rain

55. TG players live for teamwork and they stay together = they die as one, SHOOT THOSE BOATS for grand PRIZES (12points!!!)

56. TG players are VERY HUMBLE, the more you ask for a CO, the less likely you will see one until you become one.

57. 62 players + Kubra Dam or Daqing airfield = 20 player

58. Karkand + Sharqi + Mashur City = non supporting member please wait in line

Thank you for your patience... Ed

__________________

[cross][conduct]
Remember: "Eddie Chiang is always cooler than the other side of your pillow."

Leonidas

Sooo freaking funny! Makes you very, very happy to have TG, don't it?

__________________
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling that thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety is a miserable creature, who has no chance at being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. -- John Stuart Mill--

"O xein angellein lakedaimoniois hoti tede keimetha tois keinon rhemasi peithomenoi"- Monument, Thermopylae

ed_chiang11

Most of the time.... :P (see below for addition)

51. In a jet when you think you are safe, the next thing you see is XXXDarkViperxxx [J10] yourname

52. Just when you are doing good, you will be kicked for a supporting member

53. If you are having a rusty night, do not go on teamspeak, especially when Munchkin is around unless you want to laugh you bum off.

54. When Santa is the CO on the opposing team, stay home, what he will give you is more dangerous than Detroit's acid rain

55. TG players live for teamwork and they stay together = they die as one, SHOOT THOSE BOATS for grand PRIZES (12points!!!)

56. TG players are VERY HUMBLE, the more you ask for a CO, the less likely you will see one until you become one.

57. 62 players + Kubra Dam or Daqing airfield = 20 player

58. Karkand + Sharqi + Mashur City = non supporting member please wait in line

__________________

[cross][conduct]
Remember: "Eddie Chiang is always cooler than the other side of your pillow."