Originally Posted by Axis of Eeevil

I've been with one woman for 16 years, married for 13 of them. She loves me and will do almost anything for me, because she trusts me and knows I will do the same. That's my cred.

I recognize the signals she's giving, if your description is accurate. She decided to give you another chance because she either loves you, wants to love you, or doesn't want to feel all the time she spent with you was for nothing.

No matter what her reason for doing so, know this: she gave you another chance and wants (or wanted) it to work. You have very little time, if any, to pull yourself out of your pattern of (admitted it yourself) self-indulgence.


Can you be the man who will take care of her when her looks go, after she has babies, when she [insert all the things a woman fears a man will leave her for or not feel attracted to here]? A nice dinner out will not cut it. It's make a change time, not relationship band-aid time, sorry.

Here's the question in almost any girl or woman's mind: can I trust him? Will he still love me? Will he take care of my needs? This is particularly true for those especially conscious of their good looks, which fade with youth. The glamour crowd has a heightened awareness of this spectre of age, which makes the question all the more important to a woman who's career is likely over at 26, if that. Plenty of men want her now, but she knows that outward attraction may not last. She has self doubts (as all women do) about her worth, her ability to make someone happy, to attract a man and then keep him other than with the lure of sex.

All right. Time for some more honesty--from a stranger on the internet who wishes nothing but good for you, but wishes good for both of you.
In hearing what you have to say about her, I'd say she's right to be questioning you and hedging her bets--I'm sure you're a good guy, but listen to yourself--


What are you trying to convince yourself of? That she's worth the effort? That you really should like her? That you may not get a chance to "have" someone this good again? Do you hear how that sounds? This is not just a pretty thing that's fun to boink and fun to be around, is it? She's not the last DVD player on the sale shelf at Target, right? So don't try to make the decision to try to "have" her, as if she is a thing. This is a real woman who wants a real man. I know you know that, so don't get irate with me, I'm just telling you that I know you know, and that means she will know what your motivations are if they are something other than what you claim or want or wish them to be.

If you can't be willing to give up what you want in order to show her you are worth her effort, her risk, her commitment--then it's not love, so don't bother--it won't last even if you do con yourselves into thinking it's real. Giving up what you want is the only way to grow up into what she needs you to be for her. Because we all grow up getting most of what we want, (some of us more than others) we get used to that being our primary focus.
If we are the most important thing in our life, THAT is what keeps us from being able to love others. If you won't do it for her sake, of course she will go somewhere else. And why shouldn't she? If you're not ready, be straight about it and let her go so she can find fulfillment. Don't dog her around so you can have something pretty for a few more months. If you want to change for her sake (not a halfway change for yours,see above) but don't know what to do to show her--tell her that.

If on the other hand you really can't imagine anything in your life worth holding on to more than her, then don't hesitate, don't bargain and don't hold back: ditch it, toss it all, step away and don't look back. Don't stop going toward her! If it's too late, or you read her wrong, or she proves false, it will break your heart. That's the risk we take. If she's true, and you're in time, and you do it right, you'll be happy for the rest of your life, and never have to fear. "Finer than gold and rubies, above all price, and beyond all worth."

I have lots of things in my life to cause fear, worry, or stress, but because I never worry about whether my wife loves me and is devoted to me no matter what--I can take it all on, one by one, sun by sun.

Without God to guide, I would have no wife.

Two days after I met her I knew she was the one. For the next 3 and a half years, I didn't make a decision that didn't take her and her needs into consideration; and what I had to do to become the one for her, that's what I did. It sometimes felt like I was giving up an important part of me, but she was more important. And once we became close, I saw she was giving things up for me too. We were becoming, and still are becoming, the perfect mate for the other--not for our own pleasure's sake, or wants and desires, but to meet and fulfill theirs. Thus we are both fulfilled, and by communicating, we keep each other on track in the pursuit of that goal. That's how two become one, the way we are meant to be.

Hope this helps.

Thanks dude. I knew she was the one after I met her, too, just that feeling. I know that she felt I was the one, too, but I guess now she's doubting it.