Twiggy, oddly enough, I know exactly how you feel. In 1996 I received a call at about 11PM that my mother was sick and that I needed to get to the hospital. She had a massive heart attack and had died long before she or I had ever made it to the hospital though. I was pretty much in shock and didn't know what to do. I pretty much freaked out at the hospital and left by myself to ride around for a while and think. I was 22 years old, and not quite ready to deal with the loss at the time. What you are feeling is normal and it will hit you in waves sometimes. Honestly, I think one of the worst things you deal with in this situation is all the people who genuinely offer sympathy, but tend to just keep it all fresh in your mind and you can get frustrated with hearing the same old "I'm very sorry" speech. For those of you who haven't been through something like this, you may think that sounds rude, but it's very true. Twiggy, the best advice I can give you is just to stay strong and deal with it in the best healthy way you know of. It's different for everyone but just about all of us will eventually have to go through it. Try not to be too hard on your family since they are in the same boat with you and feeling a lot of the same things. They are still family and you do need to sort of band together a bit more than usual to help each other through it. Friends can be a huge help too after the initial sympathy talks. Don't try to ignore what happened, but it's good to let off stream by doing some things you and your friends normally do for fun on any other ordinary day. If you get to the point that you feel like you are flying apart and things are just sort of closing in on you, find someone you trust and sit down and really have a good long talk. Make sure it's someone who will listen and you can really open up to when you are ready. It will help and don't ever feel embarrassed or ashamed of crying in this situation. I don't think there are many people in the world who wouldn't, given the circumstances. If you need anything from your TG brothers, we are here for you pal. Feel free to PM me if you want, I'll help all that I can.