ThaDoctah

The following is a clip taken from the 30 April, 2008 morning edition of The Funkologist, official newspaper of Funktopia...

Breaking News: Secret Guild Discovered Operating Throughout Empire

Funky Town, ap: It has been revealed that a secret guild of thieves directly answerable to the Emperor (May the Light illumine His Funkiness) exists and is very much active throughout the funkdom of Funktopia. The discovery followed the unprecidented emergence of bell-bottomed badasses on our mean streets of funk unanimously seeking immediate passage on foreign schooners, freighters, and the H.M.S. Funkadellic with courses to or approaching ports known to have rulers incommunicado.

During the daily palacial hearings this past Tuesday, His Funkiness Tha "Funktopus" Doctah was humbly asked if he could shed some funk on the situation. The inquiring press associate was immediately seized by palace guards. The Emperor continued on with proceedings as if no one had just been assailed and taken into custody a few moments prior.

In an interview after being released to rejoin his family, the associate described his torture as, "seriously uncool". He continued describing the horror, "they (his shadowy prosecutors) made me listen to 'Spice Girls - Wannabe' for hours continuously looped while forcing me to watch 'Tommy Boy' silent but with Korean subtitles...if you thought it was bad before...". Visibly shaken by his ordeal, the interview was cut short. As if it was not enough scarring his funk for life the final punishment for his public inquiry of the Emperor was the merciless shaving of his afro, leaving him a shadow of the man he was. The incident has been disavowed and no further inquiries have been made to His Funkiness since the repercussions, that don't exist according to authorities, seem so steep.

These social miscreants have been allowed to operate in our towns and communities without any legal consternation from the authorities. They act above the law. We have only just noticed these men and women; for how long was this guild in operation before now? Domestically employed, how were these people used? Spying on fellow funktopians? Pulling strings in society? Planning the track lists in our disco's? (Ed: That would explain the poor performance of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem at Funkapalooza last weekend). The repercussions of this discovery are endless.

The moral fabric of our communities have been tie-dyed and the authorities meant to protect us from these sorts of threats have their hands tied, willingly or not. Ultimately, it is 'The Funktologist' and it's associates that must apologize to the public for not digging deep enough to uncover this seedy group of individuals before now. The people of Funktopia need to come together and watch out for each other in response to this new threat. Though, who knows for certain anymore if their neighbour is the fellow miner they've toiled with for years or really a shadowy guild thief assigned to keep union member discontent down? Keep your pick close and your friends closer it seems.

Harry paratestes

P.S.: This was just something I threw together to commemorate the largest spy movement in my empire's history. Eighteen spies over twelve islands searching for the mother lode. Hopefully I find it! Enjoy the read.

P.P.S: The bolded references to He Who Comes With the Funk is a requirement by law in all publicly available literature.

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<Live to win! 'til you die! 'til the light dies in your eyes!... Then hit the Squad Beacon.>

Rali3gH

...you so crazy!!!!

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ThaDoctah

and bored apparently

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<Live to win! 'til you die! 'til the light dies in your eyes!... Then hit the Squad Beacon.>