Project Reality Parody Thread

[mp40x]

Many members of the TG community are very funny. I know that when I play Project Reality I am pretty serious, but when I'm reading the forums sometimes I like to have a good laugh at how serious we can all be at times. If you have anything that parodies Project Reality or the gaming lifestyle, Post It Here! I'll start it off with a post I made in another thread and maybe something else:

Transcript from the end scene of the movie Platoon. Conversation between the commander and whats left of the patrol he sent out:

Bravo Three, Bravo Six. Send me a grid. Over.
I can't, sir! We're pinned down! They're in the ****ing trees!
Calm down, son. I'll get you a fire mission ASAP. Smoke'll be first.
Lieutenant's dead, radio man's dead. I don't know where the map is.
They're all around us - hundreds! I can hear 'em talking gook.
OK, now spot that smoke and tell me where to shift. Calm down, son.
We'll get you out. Tell me where the rounds hit. Over.
Three Alpha Six, how about those rounds, son? Can you adjust fire? Over.
Three Alpha Six, if you can't talk, son, just key your handset twice. Over.

We'll just change it a bit to apply to Project reality:

Bravo Three, Bravo Six. Send me a key pad. Over.
I can't, sir! We're pinned down! They're in the ****ing trees! I think its the blue mob.
Calm down, son. I'll get you an area attack ASAP. Use your signal smoke, have you even read the manual for Christ's sake?
Squad leaders dead, medics dead. I don't even know what key I chose in the settings to bring up the map.
They're all around us - hundreds! I can hear 'em saying, "Thanks mate, next ones on me".
OK, now spot that FOB and tell me where to drop the area attack. Calm down, son.
We'll get you out. Tell me where the rounds hit. Over.
Three Alpha Six, how about those rounds, son? Can you at least get into the proper Mumble channel. Your still in the waiting room for ****'s sake.
Three Alpha Six, if you can't talk, son, just hit your Mumble key twice or type it in team chat. Over.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taylor (character played by Charlie Sheen) contemplates why he went to Vietnam in the movie Platoon:

Mom and Dad didn't want me to come here.
They wanted me to be like them: respectable, hard-working,
a little house, a family.
They drove me crazy with their goddamn world, Grandma.
You know Mom.
I guess I've always been sheltered and special.
I just wanna be anonymous like everybody else,
do my share for my country.
Live up to what Grandpa did in the first war, and Dad did in the second.
Well, here I am, anonymous,
with guys nobody really cares about.
Most come from the end of the line,
small towns you never heard of.
Pulaski, Tennessee. Brandon, Mississippi.
Pork Bend, Utah. Wampum, Pennsylvania.
Two years' high school's about it.
If they're lucky, ajob waiting for them back in a factory. Most have got nothing.
They're poor. They're the unwanted.
Yet they're fighting for our society and our freedom.
It's weird, isn't it? At the bottom of the barrel, and they know it.
Maybe that's why they call themselves 'grunts',
cos a grunt can take it, can take anything.
They're the best I've ever seen, Grandma. The heart and soul.

Or, maybe he was contemplating his gaming lifestyle at TG:

Mom and Dad didn't want me to join TG.
They wanted me to be like them: respectable, hard-working,
a little house, a family, maybe a console system with a couple games.
They drove me crazy with their console gaming world, Grandma.
You know Mom.
I guess I've always been sheltered and special.
I just wanna be a Supporting Member like everybody else,
do my share for the community.
Live up to what Grandpa did on the Atari, and Dad did on the PS2.
Well, here I am, a Supporting Member,
with guys nobody really cares about.
Most come from the end of the line,
small towns you never heard of.
Pulaski, Tennessee. Brandon, Mississippi.
Pork Bend, Utah. Wampum, Pennsylvania.
Two years' high school's about it. Maybe a degree in web design.
If they're lucky, a job waiting for them as an admin or a mapper for some obscure modder. Most have got nothing.
They're poor. They're the unwanted.
Yet they're fighting for our community and our rules.
It's weird, isn't it? At the bottom of the barrel, and they know it.
Maybe that's why they call themselves 'admins',
cos a 'admin' can take it, can take anything.
They're the best I've ever seen, Grandma. The heart and soul of the TG community.

[daveyjonesjr]

hehehe


I love the platoon parody

[Alpha_s9]

I don't even know what key I chose in the settings to bring up the map.

rofl.

[Ivan_the_bad]

Both parodts were excellent mate. Looking forward to more !

[Alpha_s9]

Twas the night before Christmas, and all across the map
Not a vehicle was stirring, not even to cap;
The Strykers were at main, all taking a chance
To "tell that stupid CO" it is time to advance!

The infantry was rushing like tards who can't stop
While visions of taliban go ratta tat pop.
The CO in his trailer, was drinking coffee by the sip
And looking out the window with hands on his hips.

When all of a sudden there came such a clatter,
The CO dropped his mug and said 'WHAT'S THE MATTER???"
All across the scoreboard, they were dropping like flies
The CO called out, but there came no replies.

The bodies were flung both near and very far,
And all chat was in caps, "ALLAHU AKBAR!"
The insurgents they danced, and had big party
And I knew at once that had been a good arty.

For the sounds of explosions rang out through the air,
Pounding the defenses which we placed with such care.
One Stryker, two humvees, three trans and a truck
And then all comms blasted and screamed "What the F***???"

Gone were the days of free drinks at O'Malley's
But at least we can still spawn on our rallies!
By taking the fight back into the city,
We may have a chance, or at least that seemed witty.

So the CO watched as the final tickets bled,
His hands were just shaking, his face turning red.
"Bring me that CO!" was the commander order
"I want him to see this side of the border!"

So the team went forth to teach him the laws,
Charging through open desert with nothing but SAWS.
As the air horn signaled the end of the round,
And the last of the bodies fell to the ground...

The CO inspected the carnage at main,
his eyes fell on a note near one of those slain.
He opened it up and began the letter,
"Dear CO, my grandma could do better!"

[Delta*RandyShugart*]

Scene from the movie "Die Hard" (My personal favorite Xmas Movie of all time).

The Location, The Brick Apartment Buildings in the Southern Part of West Fallujah, between the Insurgent Main and the partially Destroyed palace.We have our lone SL McClane on the floor just before the roof, and the rest of the terrorists on the floors below. As McClane watches, smoke begins to fill up around the entrance of the apartment complex, Two HmG's are scene being constructed on both sides of where the BluFor Soldiers and where the BluFor HRT team is in place.


THEO
(into a throat mike)
It was the night before Xmas, and
all through the house, not a creature
was stirring, expect for the four
a-holes coming in the rear in
standard 2 X 2 cover formation.

INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Eddie and another terrorist, ULI, take up prone firing
positions, using the small rooms as cover.

ANGLE ON TWO BluFor Soldiers
Mitchell and Robinson watch from behind the cover of a Hummvw
car as the BluFor HRT Soldiers take out a breaching shotgun and
begin to try and breach the closed wooden door on the side of the center apartment building.

INT. 33RD FLOOR - MCCLANE
He moves painfully to the window and looks out. He can't see
a thing because of the Smoke which has been thrown as a form of cover and to blind
the terrorists from seeing what is Happening.

MCCLANE
(to himself)
No...

EXT. POLICE BARRICADES - ON MITCHELL AND ROBINSON

Suddenly rifle fire sounds from the building.

ROBINSON
(worriedly)
They're shooting at them

MITCHELL
(calmly)
It's panic fire...they can't see
anything.

POWELL
(under breath)
They're shooting at the HMG's.

More shots ring out from the building going over the BluFor Soldiers heads and suddenly
the huge roof of one of the
HMG's collapses behind Mitchell and Robinson's head.
The smoke begins to clear. A moment later the next HMG emplacement twenty feet
away crumbles.

ROBINSON
They're going after the HMG!

The two BluFor HRT members trying to breach the wooden door, suddenly look up
as their cover starts to disappear.

ROBINSON
Call them back.

MITCHELL
No, they're almost in.

As the HMG's are shot and destroyed the BluFor HRT Members
become sitting ducks.

OFFICE - HANS - Insurgent Cell Leader

He calmly speaks into his Fisher Price Radio.

HANS
Don't get impatient. Just wound them.

INT. LOBBY

Eddie and Uli fire. They hit one of the officers in the leg,
the second one in the arm. Both men fall in the prone position, with the door open laying
helplessly as they start to bleed out and become disoriented.

EXT. POLICE BARRICADES - ON MITCHELL AND ROBINSON

MITCHELL
(on radio)
Send in the car!

An LAV APC wheels toward the building and starts toward
the wounded men.

INT. ROOF-MACHINE ROOM/SERVICE ELEVATOR - SAME

JAMES and Alexander (2 Insurgents) quickly grab and load a RPG.

WITH THEO - WATCHING WITH BINOCULARS

THEO
Well, what have we here. The
BluFor got themselves an LAV
James, Alexander, southeast corner.

INT. 3RD FLOOR - SAME

The two insurgents get up the stairs, James and
Alexander move across the room toward the windows with the
anti-tank weapon. At the window, they prepare the weapon
for use.

Outside the window the LAV has stopped in front of the gate. The
wounded men are loaded into the LAV by two on the sheltered side of the vehicle.
Alexander quickly sights on
the LAV.

ALEXANDER
(to Hans, CB)
I have them

HANS' VOICE
(o.s., over CB)
Fire.

EXT. THE ARMORED CAR

A blast ROARS from the third floor window and the shell hits
the LAV. The car pitches forward like a beast whose
front legs have been shot out from under it -- its front axle
destroyed, unable to move. Alexander looks back at James and
grins.

THEO
"Oh my God, the quarterback is TOAST!"

30TH FLOOR - HANS

He watches from his window. Coldly picks up his CB.

HANS
Hit it again.

MCCLANE

listening. He picks up his CB.

MCCLANE
Hans, you motherf*****, you've made
your point. Let them pull back!

HANS' VOICE
Thank you Mr. Cowboy, I'll take it
under advisement. Hit it again.

McClane slumps to the floor below the window. He feels
helpless, then notices his kit bag.

3RD FLOOR

James runs back to the crate on the elevator.

EXT. POLICE BARRICADE - ON ROBINSON AND MITCHELL

They look on in horror as the LAV sits helplessly on
fire. On the BluFor radio channel we HEAR the screams of men
inside.

MITCHELL
(to radio)
Rivers! Rodriguiz!...Report...

RIVERS
(voice over; on
radio, yelling)
This is Rivers. We've got one dead.
Everybody's hit. Rodriguiz's bleeding
bad. We've got to get the f*** out of
here!

MITCHELL
(to radio)
Rivers, hang on! That's an order!
Hang on, we'll get you out.

INT. ELEVATOR CAR - 3RD FLOOR - SAME

James grabs another RPG and heads back to the firing position

[TMan]

My skin is certanly thicker after being an admin here for a year.

[mp40x]

The CO inspected the carnage at main,
his eyes fell on a note near one of those slain.
He opened it up and began the letter,
"Dear CO, my grandma could do better!"

Alpha, you could probably help 50 Cent resurrect his career with all those rhymes you've got in that post.

[snooggums]

Scene from the movie "Die Hard" (My personal favorite Xmas Movie of all time).

Needs more "Oh my God, the quarterback is TOAST!" quote! How could you forget?

[Delta*RandyShugart*]

placed, i must have missed it in between copying and pasting.

[Gore]

"omg hansi, what happened to your face!!!1"

[Alpha_s9]

Alpha, you could probably help 50 Cent resurrect his career with all those rhymes you've got in that post.

Yeah, stupid witness protection won't let me though because they're afraid everybody will figure out I'm Tupac.

DOH! How do I edit???

[sirsolo]

Pure Awesome

^^^^^

[mp40x]

We at TG understand that a lot of players who join TG and start playing PR come from the selfish battlefields of BF2. And, that those new players who join our community are often self absorbed, non-team playing, former snipers. Who, have a hard time adjusting to their new team-play-oriented-environment here at TG. So, in the spirit of Alcoholics Anonymous, the TG community would like to announce, The 12 steps of TG. Just for some background we feel it neccesary to list the original 12 steps of AA, just for clarity:

THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

And now for our new slightly revised version, we hope that this list of steps will truly help those that are hurting and lost:

THE TWELVE STEPS OF TACTICAL GAMER

1. We admitted we were powerless over our obsession with positive K/D ratio—that our 0-18 Stryker squad had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a gaming community greater than ourselves could restore comm's discipline.

3. Made a decision to turn our kit preference and our lives over to the care of our squad leader, instead of arguing with him about whether the grenadier kit was needed.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our compulsion to always request the sniper rifle at an FOB on the other side of the map away from the squad.

5. Admitted to our squad leader, to ourselves, and to another member of the community the exact nautre of why we gave up so quickly when their was a friendly medic nearby.

6. Were entirely ready to have an admin remove all these defects of character, and ban us from the server if necessary.

7. Humbly asked Portable Cougar to remove our shortcomings, and show us how CAS actually works.

8. Made a list of all dead players we had taken kits from, and became willing to pay their supporting membership for a year.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would result in the logistics truck being used as a taxi and abandoned.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we requested the HAT kit without asking first, then ran across that open field and died, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with d1sp0sabl3H3r0, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out without being banned by Wickens.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other asset-whoring, team-killing, snipers, and to practice these principles on the server. Instead of going up that same hill where we all died 4 times in a row.

[AnimalMother]

that poem is legendary alpha, never ever would be able to write anything like that!


shame we don't have our rallies though