LegionPaulL

Why is president Bush so confident that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

Because he still has the receipt.

One day a pair of Marines where walking through the jungle and all of a sudden, one of the Marines fell to the ground. The other Marine, in panic, called headquarters in search of help. "Commander, Commander, my Marine is down and I dont know what to do, Sir," said the Marine. The commander said "What! You mean to tell me that one of my own Marines does not even know how to check a man for wounds! It's a insult. Now Listen to me closely, does he have any bullet holes in him?" In the radio you heard gunfire. The Marine replied with "Now what sir?"

One day a Marine, a Ranger, and a Navy SEAL where in the junglepatroling in recon. All of the suden, a bunch of headhunters came out of nowhere and captured them. They brooght them to their village and tied them up in the center of town where the chief headhunter waited. The chief said "We will grind your bones to make our weapons, we will skin you to make our boats, and use your meat to fead our people." He approached the Marine and said "Do you have any last request before you die?" The Marine said "Yeah give me my rucksack." They gave him the rucksack and he pulled out a gun and shot himself. the chief said "we can still use his meat and skin." He approached the SEAL and asked the same question as he did the Marine. The SEAL said "Yeah give me my dog tags." They gave him them and he ploped out a siodine pill and was dead in 30 secs. The Chief said " We can stil use him." He approached the Ranger and asked the ame question. The Ranger said "Give me my mess kit." The chief thought this weird but gave him the Ranger the mess kit. The Ranger pulled out a fork and said You can use my meat to fead your people, you can use my bones to make your weapons" staabbing himself with the fork said "but to hell with your boats!"

DudeMan

One day a pair of Marines where walking through the jungle and all of a sudden, one of the Marines fell to the ground. The other Marine, in panic, called headquarters in search of help. "Commander, Commander, my Marine is down and I dont know what to do, Sir," said the Marine. The commander said "What! You mean to tell me that one of my own Marines does not even know how to check a man for wounds! It's a insult. Now Listen to me closely, does he have any bullet holes in him?" In the radio you heard gunfire. The Marine replied with "Now what sir?"


this joke is a bad adaptation of the hunters joke,


2 men go out hunting for bear, alll of a sudden one spots his pray he takes aim and shoots, at that secont the second man stumbles into the fire and is hit, he then lays unconcious on the ground, his friend realising what has happened phones the ambulance,

"help my friend has been shot i need help what do i do it think he is dead"

a reply comes " ok sir do me a favor and make sure he is dead"

2 shots ring out and a rely comes "done what now"

that was published in a newspapper as the worlds most funny joke, not because it was the best joke you have heard but because no matter what country you tell it in everyone will get it.

DudeMan

stolen from cingularr because i thought it was hilarious...... your third joke made me think of this.

LegionPaulL

That's one of the funniest jokes I've heard in a long time. Here is another.

One day a blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street. They see a $100 bill. Who gets it?
The blonde because the smart blonde and Santa dont exstist.

One day, a bear and a rabbit walked throi\ugh a forest where a legendary being in a white robe supposedly lived. The rumor was the any who lay eyes on him gets three wishes. Well the two see him, so naturally they get 3 wishes each. The bear gets his first.
"I wish every bear in the forest was a female except for me."
"Ok", the being said. It was done.

"Ok,"the bear said. "What could be better than that? OH! I GOT IT! I wish every bear in the NATION was a female except for me."
"Ok. It's done."

"Well," said the bear." What could be better than that? OHHH! I GOT ONE!!! I wish every bear in the WORLD was a female except for me.
"Ok."

Now the rabbit gets his.
" I want a moped."
"ok"
The bear asked the rabbit, "Why on earth do you want a moped?!"
"To get away from you after I mak the rest of my wishes. Anyway, my second wish is a bike helmet"
He gets his helmet.
"Ok. For my third wish, I want this bear standing by me to be gay."

One day, an admiral an Ensign, and a Senior Cheif, all of the navy die and go to the gates of heaven. The preist at the gate asked the Admiral "What do you want the people on Earth to say about you?" I want themm to see me as a great leader" said the Admiral. It was done. The preist asked the same question to the ensign. "I would like them to see me as a hard worker." It was done. The priest asked the Senior Cheif "Now you Senior Cheif, what would you like them to say about you?" The Senior Chief smiled and said "I want them to say 'look, he's movin!'"

DudeMan

an english man an american and an irish man are all convicted of murder and sentenced to 25 years in prison in solitary confinement with only one luxary.

the Englishman requests 25 years supplie of beer.

he gets it and goes into his cell and sits down to all the beer...

the american asks for 25 years of hotdogs with all the trimmings.

the irishman asks for 25 years of cigarettes.

after the 25 years the ENglishman emerges still drunk and with the brain the size of a walnut... the american comes out with the support of the fire brigade because he is so fat he cant walk, and when they opened the irishmans cell he said.... would you mind sir if i had a light.

lola man books a holiday to canada, he is looking forward to this holiday because in the travel agents they have put him in a prime hunting spot.

he goes on holiday and buys a nice rifle, ideal for killing deer. he goes out into the woods and for hours nothing had come up...

all of a sudden he hears a russtle and from behind him a huge bear taps him on the shoulder.

to his amazement he turns around and the bear says, "bend over"

"excuse me" the man replies

"bend over son i have not had a human in a long time"

so he bends over and the bear rogers him .

the next day the man goes to the nearest armoury and buys a 50 calibre sniper rifle and a 60 cal fixed machine gun nest, he sets it all up in the woods and doesnt see anything.

then again he hears a rustle, turns round and there is the bear, he fires all the weapons and depletes the rounds and the bear is gone.... just then.... tap tap tap/... the bear is behind him.... so he turns round and the bear says.... oh you again... ok bend over.... so the man does ...

the next day the man goes to the nearest army base and steals gas masks tear gas m16's grenades mortars.... and KY jelly (lol) he goes to the woods amd destroys the entire woods. jkust then tap tap tap... he turns round with his ky jelly and the bear says.... your not just here for the hunting are you mate/....

lol

a man buys a dog from the circus, and the dog can do all kinds of tricks. it can bring the papper balance on the stairs and sit at the kitchen table to eat its breakfast. but the dog kept ****ting at the top of the stairs.

nothing the man tried could stop it from doing this. finally he asked a freind who said, when his dog did a shiet he would rub the dogs nose in it and throw it across the room.

so the man went hom determined to sort the problem, and sure enough next time the dog did a crap he rubbed his nose in it and threw the dog down the stairs.

2 months later the man sees his friend again and his friend asked about his probelem. to which the man replied,

i didnt work, the dog now thinks its a trick, he rubs his own nose in it and throws himself down the stairs....

ok the last one was lame.

Wintermute

Q. What do you call three Lawyers in the back of a Transit Van?

A. A good night's hunting.
(you can exchange lawyers for any chosen minority depending on your level of political correctness.)

Q. What's the definition of cheekyness?
A. Throwing a brick through a window, then knocking on the door and asking for it back.

The other day I saw a woman at the bus stop with three children and I overheard their conversation. The first child turned to the mother and asked "Mum, why am I called Rose?" to which the mother answered "Because when you were born a rose landed on your head and we thought it was good luck so we called you Rose."

Then the second child turned to her mother and said "So why am I called Daisy then Mum?" and the mother said "Because when you were born a daisy landed on your head and we thought it was good luck so we called you Daisy."

The third child turned to its mother and went "Grraunnghh mmmwaaaanggh!!!???!!!" and the mother said "Shut up Fridge!"

__________________
Wintermute

Play EVE online. It's like being an accounting addict in space.

www.MakePovertyHistory.com

LegionPaulL

One day, a Marine officer, a Navy officer,and a Army officer were trying to apply for a job as a Agent in the CIA. All of the officers did great in the test on everything. The main agent, giving them the interviews, said to come back in the morning.

The Army officer was the first to come back. The interviewing agent said to the officer "You have proven that you are worthy of the CIA, but there is one last thing we ask of you. Three rooms down the hall is your wife," sliding the Army officer a handgun "kill her." The Army officer said "I wouldn't do that for the world." "Ok then your presence isn't needed here, please leave." said the agent. The Navy officer came and the agent said and asked the same question as the Army officer was asked. "No, I love her to much" said the Navy officer "even if she is two rooms down." The interviewing agent said "Your precence here is useless, leave." The Marine Officer came in and the interviewing agent asked the same question as the Navy and Army officers. The Marine took the gun went to the room to the left where his wife was. You heard gun shots, chairs rattling, screaming, until there came silence.

The Marine came back in the room where the Agent was and said "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle her to death!"

DudeMan

ok i have one but you will have to wait till i get home from college because i have to go.....lol

LegionPaulL

Ok, I have a whole bunch, but I'll save them for when you or someone else responds back.

H-Hour

Jerry takes an elevator 20 floors up to a top-floor bar. When he gets there he sees another man sitting alone at the bar so he joins him.

The man turns to Jerry and said, "I'll bet you $20 I can jump out that window and 5 minutes later I'll come walking out of that elevator safe and sound."

Jerry thinks he's kidding so he says, "Sure man." The man gulps down his drink and jumps out the window. Jerry runs to the window but he can't see the guy, and he can't figure out where he could have gone but down to the pavement. Five minutes later, the man comes walking out of the elevator safe and sound.

Jerry's shocked and says, "How did you do that?!? I saw you jump out of that window!"

The man sits down by him and says, "It's this drink. It will make you fly."

"Sure man," Jerry says and doesn't believe him.

"Fine, I'll show you again." The man orders another, drinks it down, runs and jumps out the window and five minutes later he's walking out of the elevator.

Now Jerry's convinced, so he says to the bartender, "Give me one of those magical drinks." He slams it down, looks back at the man and takes a running leap out the window. He falls 20 stories and dies on impact.

The bartender turns to the man at the bar and says, "Superman, you can be a real ass sometimes."

TheFeniX

A school teacher, a lawyer, and a catholic priest just get done working out at the gym. As they walk outside, the sky turns red, it starts raining fire, and they see the four-horsemen of the apocolypse: Armageddon.

The teacher asks: What about the children?
The lawyer says: Screw the children!
And the priest says: But, do we have time?

__________________

LegionPaulL

Those are pretty good. I have to think for a whole second. I'll get back soon with a good joke.

HSantal

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and
asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I
cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That
won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty year' s old
and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want
it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes...."

__________________
I do what I can.

cpgf: (n.) Acronym describing a significant other who has not yet acheived full spousal status and is in possession of a cable modem; of note because at YOUR house, you still have dial-up -- and crappy dialup at that.

HSantal

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Do not turn upside down.
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

__________________
I do what I can.

cpgf: (n.) Acronym describing a significant other who has not yet acheived full spousal status and is in possession of a cable modem; of note because at YOUR house, you still have dial-up -- and crappy dialup at that.

fr1j0l3

OK.... I wonder how many men have done this.....