OK, so I think I'm probably a narcissist, I crave attention, now I don't just crave any attention like a child might, I want positive attention. I love making insane posts on facebook that I know makes my friends laugh, but when I don't get any 'likes' or comments I start to think no one is reading anything I post, but when I've gotten depressed in the past and brought it up on facebook, saying I might stop or quit facebook, I get several friends coming out to say they love reading my posts and how hilarious they are, something makes me need that feedback.

I think part of it is my job. I've worked for the same company since I got out of business school. I started working as a bookkeeper in March of 1996, became an accounting manager in the summer of 1998 and controller between 2001 and 2002, I wasn't told and it wasn't documented so I don't have the exact day :) Since 2000 the company made some major changes and we went from a 14 person accounting staff to (currently) 3-4, two full time (me and one other person) and two people that do accounting as a part of their overall job, so they don't count as full time accountants. Then we only have 14 people in our corporate office, and four of those people travel out of the office a lot. My point is, there is no one to socialize with, there are 3-4 people to go to lunch with, they've all worked here 8+ years, we know everyone's stories, most people live at least a 30 minute drive in opposite directions from our office, so if we wanted to hang out, it's a 45+ minute drive. I went to a business college and I met a few friends there, but the only one I've kept in contact with, is one of my accountants. I have a few high school friends I talk to, but I feel obligated to go home and relieve my wife so she can have a break from being home with the kids (they drive her nuts).

So, that's why I crave attention, I feel deprived of human interaction and I think it's contributed to my depression. Facebook went a long way towards getting that human interaction, attention, friends. Now I have to watch what I say because of the fear that my employer is monitoring my facebook account, everything is private, but a disgruntled employee, decided to print out a bunch of public pictures I had taken at my job. She claimed that a picture I took of a bank key fob concerned her....if you're unfamiliar with what these are, they're a small 2in x 1in x 1/4in device that generates a random six digit code every 60 seconds and our bank requires a preset, six-digit, user defined, alphanumeric code to use in conjunction with the random six digit code. I didn't disclose what information you needed, I just found the device interesting and wanted to share it with my friends....our bank requires a company ID, user ID and password, the key fob and user code is only to gain access to restricted areas. She knew this, she had one, but she wanted me to get in trouble....also there was a saturday when I went around and got pictures with all of my feet on everyone's desks (making sure no confidential information was photographed) and she presented it that I appeared to be naked sitting at her desk...seriously?? So I have to watch myself.

Prior to facebook, I relied heavily on the TG reputation system, as sad as it sounds, my posts were fueled with the hopes of being humorous enough to warrant +rep from other members. Now work has ramped up, and for the past year or so, I haven't been able to post much, but everyday when I log in, the first thing I do is click on 'settings' to see if I have any +rep, even if I haven't posted in a month and I get disappointed when there's nothing new (not a plea for +rep, I'm also the person that is truly disappointed when I buy a lottery ticket for a six number draw and gets upset the next morning when I find out I didn't win and even more disappointed when I see I only got no numbers or just one number on any given set of numbers).

It all contributes to this feeling I have of being alone, that no one really cares. I know there are some people (esp here at TG) that care and love me, but it's not always the same, most of you are at least 2 states away :) My kids love me and that keeps me going. My mom used to, but she's on me about my weight, in a round about way saying I need gastric bypass and she'd pay for it. I'm a stress eater and I try to take care of eveyone else, but I think that's an excuse, I think deep down I'm worried that if I lose weight, I'll feel the same and I won't have something to blame my sadness on. I even consider that I could be doing it just because I know it could probably kill me, most days that doesn't seem like the worst option in the world. I know how that sounds, I could never do that to my children, I may not be the best dad, but the last thing I want is my girls to have daddy issues and grow up to be porn stars or strippers (that also prostitue themselves)

ok long winded emo post over, please continue about your normal lives :)