I hate you
by, 04-15-2010 at 06:55 PM (1007 Views)
Three little words, probably only curse words carry more weight. Said with the right attitude, these can destroy someone. Can you imagine telling your mother or father that you hate them, not out of anger or spite, but because you really do. If they deserve to be hated, they probably wouldn't care, but if they didn't, wouldn't those three words rip your parent's hearts open?
I dread waking up every mornring. I despise it. It's not just simply wanting to stay in bed, but knowing I have a day of heartache, depression, thoughts of death/suicide, a feeling of emptiness and depression. My day's aren't always that horrible, a lot of them are though. Stress is a big trigger for these emotions. But there is the everyday annoyances. I walk in the bathroom to use the toilet, a sneak a glimpse of myself in the mirror, the first words in my head say, "I HATE YOU", I reply, "f*** you, I hate you too" I don't know when I started hating myself, but I do know it's been for a long time. I also can't look at my face in the mirror, I can look at my chin, cheeks hair, but I hate seeing the face in it's entiriety, anger instantly wells up and I want to samash the mirror, then use the pieces to open my veins up and end this tragedy of a life [But I won't]
I mentioned previously that I have seen three different shrinks, the meds I got on helped some, the third shrink put me on some pills that basically made me feel absolutely wonderful. I was scared, scared that it was fake, but more scared that I would lose it. I had forgotten what being happy all day meant. But I was feeling it. I've slipped back into that abyss, it's a motherf*cker to get out of. I've heard people "claim to be depressed" those should be called deppressive episodes, they are not true depressions. Imagine needing to share and open up with someone, but being unable to ask for help. Being surrounded by 100 people at a new years eve party, 20 family members for a party, another couple for dinner, and feeling completely alone. Happiness feels like it has seeped from your body, you can remember, almost feel a trace of it, but there's nothing. No energy, no motivation, no love...that's the hardest for me. If you know me at all, you know my kids are my life, but in a bad depression, I don't care about anyone or anything.
The social stigma of mental disease needs to change. Guys espicially have to drop that "I'm tough, i'll just ignore it, bullsh!t they spew). Also don't just go to your Family doctor and get prozac. The piss are supposed to take the edge off, not make you a zombie. Then when you can get out of bed/shower/do normal things. You see a therapist and work though and find what is casing your depression. I don't know many people who want to be on pills their entire life.
A few years ago when I got really bad, Rage saved my life. I was spiraling deeper into the abyss I'd never been. I wouldn't admit it at the time, but I was suicidal, another few days without help and I wouldn't be here today. My wife and mother wanted me to get a psych eval done, I was afraid of two guys with a straight jacket to get me and throw me in a padded room. Rage ultimately convinced me to go. I sat in a little room with a lady taking notes. After the note taker spent 2 hours with me (she was writing on any available white space fornotes), she went to talk to the doc, who recommended full time inpatient care. Now I always assume the worst in a situation and it usually never happens, this was starting to happen. I ended up in an intensive outpatient center. It made things better for me. I could say ANYTHING there and they didnt' judge me, didn't assess me, they accepted me. My wife couldn't, she told me she thought I needed to be locked up because of the things I thought. Some people don't understand.
My point is that there is nothing to be ashamed or embarassed of, if you need help ask for it. If you don't get what you want/need from friends/family, call an expert 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-784-2433 if you are thinking you don't want to live. If you need to just talk 1-800-273-TALK or 1-800-273-8255. I'm not the best to talk to, but shoot me a PM I'll talk to anyone.
Please no awwwww's or great job, good work, etc. Remember this, in case you (or a friend) hits a cloud of depression and gets lost, always remember there are ways to be rescued, you just have to reach for the rope.