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Poets requested, i need help.

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  • Poets requested, i need help.

    Code:
    I thought I knew you, but it wasn't true.
    I thought it was trust in which we had shared,
    Yet now its over, between me and you,
    Quickly ending as if you never cared.
    
    If it was love we had, why did you lie?
    It wasn't just me, it had to be us,
    Its all your problems that make me sigh,
    This pain you gave me, yet try not to cuss.
    
    I don't know what I can do anymore,
    Because all these words that were left unsaid,
    You've leave my heart pounding on the floor,
    And here I lie, wondering in my bed.
    
    I suppose that life will never be fair,
    Without true love, how can you know they care?
    Its lacking some things, and i dont know where to put them. It has to go by the Shakespeare sonnet. ABABCDCDEFEFGG (Ending word "a" must rhyme with ending word "a" ect) 14 lines. What can i edit in or out to make it make more sense... If that even makes sense...

    Its okay, but, im not too good at these things. I was wondering if we had any poets that could give this an edge, and i dont know what i mean by that.


    This is a poem that im making for english, but, its also for my EX.


    Thanks in advance.
    Oyee

  • #2
    Re: Poets requested, i need help.

    you used the worng form of leave on line 11, it should be left
    |TG| aschmack

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Poets requested, i need help.

      Code:
      I thought I knew you, but it wasn't true.
      I thought it was trust in which we had shared,
      Yet now its over, between me and you,
      Quickly ending as if you never cared.
      
      If it was love we had, why did you lie?
      It wasn't just me, it had to be us,
      Its all your problems that make me sigh,
      This pain you gave me, yet try not to cuss.
      
      I don't know what I can do anymore,
      Because all these words that were left unsaid,
      You've left my heart pounding on the floor,
      And now I lie, wondering in my bed.
      
      I suppose that life will never be fair,
      Without true love, how can you know they care?
      Like that? (Added now instead of here in like 12)
      Oyee

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Poets requested, i need help.

        I thought I knew you, but it wasn't true.
        I thought it was trust in which we had shared,
        Yet now it’s over, between me and you,
        Quickly gone as if never there.

        It wasn't just me; it had to be us,
        If it was love we had, are we liars?
        The pain we caused left us speechless,
        All of this burns the fire even higher.

        I don't know what I can do anymore,
        Because all these words that were said,
        Have turned me 'round and out the door,
        And now I lie, wondering in my bed.

        I suppose that life will never be fair,
        Without true love, how can you know they care?

        Um...sorry that I got a little carried away and did a lot of changing, but maybe you will like it. A few half rhymes and internal rhymes as well, which is good. Also, what was Shakespeare’s rhythm? Did you need to follow it?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Poets requested, i need help.

          Wow, thats awsome, but i had to edit it to fit the style of SKSPR...

          Code:
          I thought I knew you, but it wasn't true.
          I thought it was trust in which we had shared,
          Yet now it's over, between me and you,
          Quickly gone as if it were never there.
          
          It wasn't just me; it had to be us,
          Not just our love, because your a liar,
          It's this pain we caused, thats left us speechless,
          And it burns the fires even higher.
          
          I don't know what I can do anymore,
          Because of all these words that weren't said,
          You've left my heart open, and on the floor,
          And now I lie, all alone in my bed.
          
          I suppose that life will never be fair,
          Without true love, how would you know they care?
          Oyee

          Comment


          • #6
            New Poem, thought id add it.

            I made this one today during my first class. I dont want any editing, its pretty much finished. I like it how it is. I just wanted some comments on it i guess.

            Code:
            A small mistake made on your part,
            Has left this man a broken heart.
            
            Wondering what i should do,
            I've lost all my trust in you.
            
            You left my heart open and bare,
            Why is it that lifes so unfair?
            
            This love in which you have stole,
            Has left my heart a gaping hole.
            
            Confused about the thoughts i think,
            I sit and cry, trying not to blink.
            
            For when my eyes are open
            Im left here, still hopin.
            
            Id rather try not to call,
            Id like to forget, memories and all.
            
            I wont let it happen anymore,
            Because theres someone else you adore.
            
            Living life day to day,
            three hearts broken, whos to pay?
            
            Ill try not to make things worse,
            Yet i know, thats my curse.
            
            Nice in nature, mean at heart,
            Ill live on, part by part.
            
            One last thing before i finish,
            Dont die out, dont deminish.
            -Black_V!per
            Aka Martin Lee Rudolph Jr.
            Oyee

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Poets requested, i need help.

              I like it. I dont have anything specific to say, but I really like it.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Poets requested, i need help.

                +rep, and they say we only do games here
                that sounds like a good idea trooper.
                -Vulcan

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Poets requested, i need help.

                  Now, at the very end just add 'Diarrhea, cha cha cha' and you're golden.


                  "Who put the fun in dysfunctional? I." - Aesop Rock

                  "Cuz you can choose to say 'Good morning, God! =)' or 'Good God, morning! =(" - Blackalicious

                  Comment

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