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I don't want to live anymore! :'(

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  • I don't want to live anymore! :'(

    I completely messed up my life today. I lost the love of my life. No one had a hand in this but me. I need to get this off my chest, and stop these endless hours of crying. I don't have many friends I can talk to. Posting my story may not help me, but I hope it does. This is my story:

    The day was December 17, 2005, I pulled up at my buddy's car shop to work on my truck. There was a couple of people there, but one caught my eye, her name was Brittney. I fixed my truck and hung around for awhile joking and having a good ole time.

    A couple of days later, while sitting on the couch at my buddy's house, I found Brittney's number and called her up. She answered to me saying, "Do you know who this is?" Immediately she responded, "Yep, its Chris, I just had a feeling it was you as soon as the number popped up on my phone!" We hit it off.

    Six days went by and we started dating Christmas day 2005. I had never been in a real relationship before and really didn't know what I was doing. Jealously kicked in real quick. This was the most beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on. She had more guy friends than girl, and that made me very uncomfortable.

    The first time things went wrong, was on January 14, 2006, when she went to watch a movie with an ex(Omar), that I didn't know anything about. I went to a party and got wasted to pass time. The next morning she calls me and tells me what happened that night, I was a little upset, but when she said he let her out of the car with a hug and left I was alright with it.

    We had our good times, and we had those time at which we argued. I was beginning to fall in love. She was the best thing to ever happen to me. My life had turned around. I stopped the drug use, started caring about myself more and more everyday I was with her. Then, the stories came out. She would tell me about her previous relationships, and I would bite my tongue as to not piss her off.

    Time went by and the arguments happened more and more regularly. Some stupid arguments, but most were about jealousy. I found out April 2006, that she had gone to a McDonalds with some friends and met a guy named Justin, I asked her if she gave her number out and she said no. Later that day she asked me to meet her at Wal-Mart to go shopping. I get there and begin shopping, I am pushing the cart around, when her phone starts ringing. I see that it is Justin calling and we get into a fight about that.

    My jealously was out of control. I couldn't handle it. May 2006 I go to my sister's graduation, at which Brittney gets up and walks out to(talk to my sister). That night goes by and we go home.

    Nothing else happens out of the ordinary for awhile. I move in with her. I haven't really been paying much attention to Brittney and she gets angry with me. Brittney gets a job at Sweet Pepper's Deli and works closing shift alot. We argue about this, because she is not getting home till mid-night or later.

    March 2007, Brittney gets a text message on her phone, while she is in the shower. Being the jealous type I was, I looked at it. The message was asking her if I had noticed the hickies on her neck. The person said that they knew that she was worried about me finding out. I confront her with this, she had told me that they were from me a while back, get into a big fight and break up. We get back together a week later, when I realize i cant live without her.

    June 16, 2007 We go to a pool party at a friends house. Brittney gets ****faced drunk and passes out. I fall asleep not too long later. I wake up to a young lady shaking me, saying that they needed to tell me something. We sat there no 2 hours as she tells me what has been going on behind my back.

    This woman begins to tell me: In Jan. '05 when Brittney went to the movies, when didn't just hug and say bye. Instead they went into the house holding hands and proceeded with a lip lock session. She met the guy that gave her hickies, a couple of times and then stopped seeing him. She met a co-worker of mine at a gas station and went out riding with him, at which he tells her that I have been cheating on her, then tells her how good she looks. They begin a makeout session. The graduation I went to when she got up to talk to my sister, she really met some guy and exchanged numbers, then went bye to see him whenever I wasn't around. Would even have him drop by the house when I was sleeping, and makeout on MY COUCH. Then, this is the big one, all those times she stayed late at work, she would be in the back room, getting fingered and giving her manager a blowjob.

    I woke Brittney up, fought for 5 hours, and left. Got all of my stuff and moved to Memphis. I was in Memphis for 2 months, staying and sleeping with her ex-bestfriend(as a rebound). Talking to her from time to time as she explained to me how much she loved me and wanted a chance to prove her love. After two months of this, the woman I was staying with decided to move. I moved back to Selmer.

    After awhile of working out our problems, I begin sleeping with Brittney again. We didn't start dating till I could trust her again. Three months go by and we are happy as happy could be. She has since found a new job and was working late one night. I woke up for work at 4am. We have the exact same phone. I get my(or i think) phone and head out the door, while driving to work, I see that I have 2 new voicemail. I check them and to my surprise I hear, "ANNNNSWER THE PHONE, WE HAVE VODKA AND WE NEED P***Y, BYE." By this time I know it is her phone and proceed to the next message. This one says, "Hey, its Matt, You know the guy you met in Corinth the other night, just seeing whats up." I AM PISSED! I call my phone and get the voicemail, so I leave a message stating how much of a lair she is and that I am through. Later that day, I get a phone call, and we're arguing for awhile. She explains that the vodka voicemail was from someone that she didn't know(which was the truth), and the message was left because her friend gave her number to some guy she met at a bar(which was the truth as well). By now she is pissed and yelling at me for assuming she had done wrong. I say all kinds of stuff out of anger. I meet her at the house, I pack all my stuff, because I said some pretty awful stuff to her, and begin to walk out. When I get to my truck she is telling me what a bastard I am and she deserves better, I proceed to rip the $250 necklace, I bought for her birthday, and chuck it into the woods. As I am getting into my truck I yell out, "You are nothing but a skank!", and speed off.

    As of know, I have since gotten off the phone with her. She wants nothing to do with me at all whatsoever.(suming up the hour of profanity and other stuff that she said to me.)

    I am siting here, Cut my wrists already, but stopped(for unknown reason).

    I cant live without her. I really can't. She was my first real love. I was so in the wrong for thinking she was cheating on me. I don't want to live anymore. I hate my life!!!!

    Allen: Yeah, you're right.
    Monkerz: I think "that" in its self proves my intelligence greater than yours, thus joo have just been pwnt by Monkerz!

  • #2
    Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

    Man, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else... It may sound corny, but it's true.

    Before you make any more mistakes, why don't you ask yourself why you are doing what you're doing. Is it because you want to get back at her, make her feel guilty? Is it because you think she's the only person in the world for you? Dude, have you ever even been outside of Tennessee? It's obvious that she's not your one and only true love, or you wouldn't have gone through all that crap. She was a lesson for you. Learn from it and go out and find another lesson to learn! (Easier for me to say than for you to read right now, I'm sure.) Look for a more fun lesson this time, though! Life is too short as it is, don't ruin it by letting other people control YOUR happiness.
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    • #3
      Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

      Hey man, you better freaking listen to me!

      No one is worth ending your life over…NO ONE! Everyone has been in the same shoes as you have, and have thought there life was over. Everyone experiences pain one way or another. I myself have been through a REALLY tough time lately and I can tell you this much. It sucks…hard, but letting your feelings out here really helps out. I haven’t felt more comfortable to talk to complete strangers than I have found here. I have said it before and I will say it again

      “TG is more than a gaming community. We are friends, family, associates and comrades”

      If you ever need to talk, about ANYTHING, let me know and I will listen. I will be there for anybody here. People here have been there for me and I can for once return the favor. PM me, Xfire me, get me on TS…I don’t care. I don’t care what hour it is. I am always available. I can also confidently say that everyone here will do the same.

      Stay safe bud…we all care about you!

      "Dirtboy is super awesome, and chicks dig him too!"- Everyone


      • #4
        Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

        I have been around, I've moved 43+ times. I've had plenty of girl friends. I've been through all kinds of relationships.

        None of this mattered, until I met her.

        We were going to have kids. She had a miscarrage, and we found out if was because of me. We were going to get married. I had my life planned out. AND I RUINED IT ALL!

        I can't lose her. She is my life.

        (Please god, if this be the last thing you ever do for me, give her the strength to forgive me! I will be forever in your debt.)
        Allen: Yeah, you're right.
        Monkerz: I think "that" in its self proves my intelligence greater than yours, thus joo have just been pwnt by Monkerz!


        • #5
          Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

          They’re both right most people (especially me) have been through a similar situation. Yes, you will get over it but first you need to realize that your life is worth something and that killing yourself is not the answer. You must have had some really wonderful times if you can feel this bad about something like this.

          It will get better but it will take time.
          Favorite quotes and sayings:

          Teacher,” Tommy you got a fairy godmother.”
          Tommy,” No, but we got an uncle we keep a close eye on.”

          *If anyone knows or has seen Markopilot please let him know that his gunner misses him and would like to talk to him agian. He knows me by Gabriel87.


          • #6
            Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

            Monkerz, I know exactly how you feel man. Believe me. You want to know how? My story is cornier than yours at the beginning, but ends about the same way.
            I started playing counterstrike in the summer of 2000. Yes, the summer before beta 1 was released, simply because one of the original CS mappers lived on my floor at CU. In the fall of 2000, after the game had become a cult hit, I joined up with this clan called the Renegades. In 2001, a girl and her brother joined the clan. I was in Naval ROTC at the time and she was getting ready to leave for college on an Army ROTC scholarship. We became friends on that point and kept in touch with each other through gunfire and casual chat in the clan's IRC channel. In the winter of 2002, I caught up with her online after not talking to her in a long time (big falling out in the clan that is pretty irrelevant, but she left over it). I talked to her in IRC for several hours and then she had to go because her school was turning off internet access for the night to do maintenance. I asked if I could call her. Next thing I know, it's 6:30 AM my time, 8:30 hers and we've been talking on the phone for 11 hours. I talked to her every day for almost 2 months, 5+ hours a day, and it got romantic.
            In january of 03, I was going to visit a friend at Penn State Altoona. Talking to her on the phone that day, she told me that she only lived 30 minutes away and I should come see her. I agreed, and did so. I wound up staying with her for three months, completely abandoning my old life in colorado. I moved up there, to this little dirt town called Indiana, where there are no jobs that arent taken by locals or college students. If you dont go to school there or you're not a local, you literally cant get employment. Luckily, I had several thousand dollars saved up and managed to live a meager existence.

            At this point, my life was wrapped around this girl. She was a nursing student. I loved her more than I ever knew was possible. I drove through ice and snow to pick her up and drive her an hour and a half to her clinical site at 5:00 in the morning, just so she'd be safe and she could sleep an extra hour in the car on the way. I made sure I was waiting outside her class every time she got out. I went to NC to have christmas with her parents instead of my own family. I paid her tuition and bills because she didnt have time to work and her brother (lived with her and also at the same college) was too lazy to get a job. I cleaned her house. I walked her dog. I was the first person to ever give her flowers or tell her that she was beautiful. I proposed to her and spent 10 grand on an engagement ring. I was happy to do all of those things because he was the love of my life.

            Then things got a little harder. I had to move to Ohio in 05 to live with some friends because I was out of money. It was only a couple hours away, so there shouldnt have been any problems. It created a little friction and we had some arguments because I would always go visit her, but she was always too busy to come see me, even if I offered to pay or whatever. We still loved each other and went on vacations together and such. It wasnt that bad.

            A little background before the bad stuff starts happening. When I first met her, she was kinda tomboyish. All her friends were guys, but she had no interest in them and the vast majority of them were all taken anyway (an army officer and college graduate is a meal ticket for a local girl in a small town). She liked to do things like go on picnics, walk barefoot through the rose garden in Fayetteville, NC, go to the old scrap yard near the school and take pictures, collect leaves. She didnt wear makeup most of the time (she didnt need to, she was naturally gorgeous), mostly because she hated it. She was as comfortable in a miniskirt as she was in a pair of sweatpants. Then she started to change.

            Right around the time she graduated, she started becoming materialistic, which I largely attribute to her mother's unyielding manipulation of her. Her mom hated me for no reason whatsoever ( I was always polite, courteous, did everything the model boyfriend should). But her mom always wanted her to marry someone "respectable" like a doctor or a lawyer. If you knew the background on her parents, you'd know how huge of a hypocrisy this was, but I'm not going into that. But her mom always tried to convince her to be more girly by doing things like throwing out her old clothes when she went home for the summer and took her out shopping for only the clothes that mommy dearest would pick out. It started to rub off. All of a sudden, everything was about money. Money money money. If it wasnt expensive, she didnt want it. I tried to cope the best I could, hoping I could bring her back to earth, but the damage was done.

            In the fall of 06, my brother asked me for help in moving himself out to colorado, to which I agreed. The only reason I agreed to this was because my fiance had a 16 week training course in San Antonio (OBC for those of you in the know) before she went to Walter Reed for her first duty station. I figured helping my little bro start his college career was ok and discussed it with her, she agreed. While she was in SA, I talked to her daily, and made all the arrangements for getting an apartment and such (we had to get separate places because her parents forbade her to live with me until we got married). She shipped out to DC in late october and I was set to follow 3 weeks later. Less than a week after she gets there, she stops talking to me for like 3 days. I figure "ok, she's just started working 12 hour shifts, probably tired as hell, and needs some rest." Yeah, right.

            Turns out, she met this guy who bought her lunch at burger king in the hospital food court. He takes her to a halloween party. He takes her swing dancing. All this time, she never says that she's taken. Never even hints at the fact that I exist. She confesses this to me when she breaks the silence. Then she says she's leaving me for him because he has more money and is more "stable" than me. I broke down. I spent 3 days in a fetal position crying, refusing to eat, drink, anything. My brother almost called my mom to have me committed for psychiatric observation. She threw away a four year relationship for some guy who buys her a sandwich at burger king, how cold is that?

            I was crushed. I still am. That was a year ago last week. I havent been on a single date or hooked up with anyone since then. I have trouble mustering myself to go hang out with friends at bars and stuff. My life still feels empty. I have this colossal void inside me that everyone says will heal in time, and I can only hope they're right and push on.

            Over the last year, she's drifted away from me, and that's another part of the tale. The first month her and this guy were together, he cheated on her in her apartment with some girl that was described to me as weighing over 250 lbs. Somehow she forgave him. He's cheated on her several times since. He slept with her several times before divulging the fact that he has genital herpes. He has post traumatic stress disorder from being in iraq so bad that he has woke up with his hands around her neck before. He forbids her from talking to me. In the beginning, she used to sneak in conversations with me, but not anymore. He's got her under his thumb and thats where she's staying. It breaks my heart just to think about, and writing this out has been utter hell, like having to live it all out again.

            But it's worth it if I can convey one thing to you monkerz: life does go on and you're not alone. You DO have people you can talk to. I can tell you that anyone in this community would be more than happy to lend you an ear, anytime you need it. You may think your friends and family dont understand, but they do, they've been there too. It's not the end of the world and it's certainly nothing to end your life over. You will survive man, I did. So have countless others that have come before us, and so will an endless number more after. But you're not alone, we know it hurts and if you need us, we're here.


            • #7
              Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

              First rule: Cut contact with the girl.

              It's hard to do but it's not impossible. Stop talking, texting, or having any kind of communication with your ex. Being reminded of the pain is not going to help.

              Second rule: Find a friend.

              You can open up here or to somebody you know. Just talk to somebody you trust. It helps when you've got friends to support your cause.

              Third Rule: Love yourself.

              Don't do anything to harm yourself physically. It doesn't take away the pain. It only masks it. Time will heal the emotional pain but you have to give it a chance. This was your first serious relationship so you'll get all involved with the person. Sometimes it gets too involved and it's overwhelming. In time you'll see that she wasn't right for you because of all the pain she caused. Then you'll figure out what kind of relationship you want. No matter how hot the girl is, it's not going to work out if the both of you have a relationship that you don't like.

              - It's who you game with.


              • #8
                Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

                1. Dump the girl, she's not worth your time or your love. Period.

                2. Keep things in perspective -- you are a young guy, and you will fall in love again, probably a few more times. There are PLENTY of fish in the ocean, and from the sounds of it, most are probably better human beings than this girl.

                3. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but THINGS WILL GET BETTER. Just hang in there. That's the hardest part for now. Just hang in there.

                3) Support game play in a near-simulation environment. Where the focus of play would not be solely on doing what it takes to win, but doing so utilizing real-world combat strategy and tactics rather than leveraging exploits provided to players by the design of the game engine.


                • #9
                  Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

                  Your first love is always going to the be hardest, especially if you feel she is the one.

                  After reading all of that, I'm not sure I'd trust her to change either. I'd say you should move on, but of course you'd have to make the choice for yourself.

                  Like Cing said, it's not worth taking your life over. After a while of thinking you should find some hope and know that there is a future lover out there just waiting to be picked (or so to speak). Hang in there and distance yourself from her. Ignore her as best as you can and just do other things to try and keep your mind off of her (most important).
                  |TG-18th| Acreo Aeneas
                  TG World of Tanks Clan Executive Officer
                  Former 9th & 13th

                  Pronounciation: Eh-Cree-Oh Ah-Nay-Ess
                  Still can't say it? Call me Acorn then. -.-

                  SSDs I Own: Kingston HyperX 3K (240 GB), Samsung 840 Pro (256 GB), Samsung 840 EVO (250 GB), Samsung 840 x 2 (120 GB), Plextor M5S (120 GB), OCZ Vertex (30 GB)

                  TG Primer and Rules


                  • #10
                    Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

                    I generally don't venture much beyond the 2142 forums, but I'm at work and it's a fairly boring day here, so I figured I would expand my forum horizons a bit and drop in here.

                    Love is the single emotion that is talked about the most and is one of the most confusing emotions that exist. Even after all my run-ins with it I know as little about it now as I did when I first started dating out of high school.

                    Here's what I do know, however: Sometimes you have to pick up the pieces of your heart and move on. It's not easy, especially when you're convinced that the girl you were going out with was "the one", but it's a necessary step in the healing process. I might add that taking one's life is not a part of the healing process as it generally doesn't do much of anything.

                    Ask yourself this - what is there to live for in life? You have friends, you have a family, and you likely have a job. These are all very important things in life and things that are worth holding on to. Focus on those things for awhile - make them better. Give yourself a chance to heal. It's not going to be easy - I would be lying if I said it would - but in the long run you will find yourself better for it. And who knows - you may find one day the true love of your life appearing out of the blue. Love has a bad habit of hitting when you least expect it.

                    So yes, I'll echo what everyone else here has said. Just keep your head up and remember that you have people to talk to if you need it. ^_^


                    "Remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!"


                    • #11
                      Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

                      Hang in there MONKERZ! Pop in here, let us know how your doing after some rest.

                      We're thinking about you
                      ~~ Veritas simplex oratio est ~~
                      No matter how far a wizard goes, he will always come back for his hat. --T. Pratchett

                      <---- You know you're getting old when you rely on your forum meta-data to remind you how old you are.


                      • #12
                        Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

                        Thank you all, the feed back lets me know that I do have friends.

                        I went to work today at 4:30, by 10:00 I had to take 1/2 a day vacation. I hurt so bad. I don't to do anything but think of the good times we had together. I miss her face. I miss her smile. I cry when I think about the first time she told me she loved me. I don't think I am strong enough to deal with this.

                        I left her 5 or 6 voice mail today, to which I received one in return, "Look, I am not even looking back, so that means I am definately not coming back. Chris, I don't want to be with you anymore, I thought you understood this. So quit sending me voicemails, quit calling me, quit everything. GOOD BYE!"

                        I went by her mothers house when I got off work. I walked out into the woods, and found the necklace. I want so bad to find her, and give it back. I want her back in my life. I need her.

                        I don't know what to do. Everyone around me is either married or have someone they are dating. I can't go out, because of the debt I set unto myself. My mother calls me to tell me everything is going to be alright, but I can't believe her. I don't want to see, talk to, or be around anyone but her.
                        Allen: Yeah, you're right.
                        Monkerz: I think "that" in its self proves my intelligence greater than yours, thus joo have just been pwnt by Monkerz!


                        • #13
                          Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

                          Monkerz, I see you are reading the posts right now and that is a good thing. You've got to understand that most everyone goes through this pain at least once in their lives and comes out the other side a better person for it. I know it hurts like hell now, but you will learn and grow from this crappy experience and your life will be better for it.

                          Secondly,who you are now at 21 is not who you will be for the rest or your life. While you are an adult by legal definition, you will continue to change mentally in many ways for the next 10 years or so.

                          Lastly, stay the hell away from drugs, alcohol and people who aren't looking out for your best interests.

                          Remember, we're all here for you.
                          Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose!


                          • #14
                            Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

                            Thanks for the update, Monk. We're here for you and want to see you get through this.
                            ~~ Veritas simplex oratio est ~~
                            No matter how far a wizard goes, he will always come back for his hat. --T. Pratchett

                            <---- You know you're getting old when you rely on your forum meta-data to remind you how old you are.


                            • #15
                              Re: I don't want to live anymore! :'(

                              OK, you posted while I was typing so let me add:

                              1. Stop calling her. She's moving on and you need to as well. I know it hurts, but you can be strong and get throught this. Beleive me when I say that one day you will look back on this and shake your head at some of the decisions you made.

                              2. Talk to your mother. She's probably been there before and she only wants what's best for you.

                              3. Whenever possible get out of the house to be with other people. Don't look at other couples with envy, but think of how great it will be when you have that again. And you will...when you are ready. You aren't ready right now. You have to get your life in order before you will have love again.

                              You can and you will get through this.
                              Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose!




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