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  • If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were around today...



    If Abbott and Costello were still around today their famous sketch "Who's on
    first?" might have turned out something like this....
    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . .
    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
    buying a computer.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: Your computer?
    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
    proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
    ABBOTT: I just did.
    COSTELLO: You just did what?
    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
    COSTELLO: You recommended something?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: For my office?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm
    sitting at my computer and I want to type a
    proposal. What do I need?
    ABBOTT: Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: Word in Office.
    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
    straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
    business. Just tell me what I need!
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch
    them?
    ABBOTT: Of course.
    COSTELLO: Great! With what?
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1".
    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
    COSTELLO: It is?
    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
    much wiped out all the other Words out there.
    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
    Office.
    COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
    bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
    ABBOTT: One copy.
    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    A FEW DAYS LATER .. . .
    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
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  • #2
    Re: If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were around today...

    And in case you have no clue why the above is supposed to be funny, here's their classic:
    http://www.abbottandcostello.net/clips/who1st.wav
    Whoís On First

    By Abbott and Costello



    Abbott: Well Costello, Iím going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yankís manager gave me a job as coach for as long as youíre on the team.

    Costello: Look Abbott, if youíre the coach, you must know all the players.

    Abbott: Right, certainly do.

    Costello: Well, I never met the guys, so youíll have to tell me their names, and then Iíll know whoís playing on the team.

    Abbott: Oh, Iíll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names.

    Costello: You mean funny names?

    Abbott: Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, andÖ

    Costello: His brother Daffy?

    Abbott: Daffy Dean.

    Costello: And their French cousin.

    Abbott: French?

    Costello: Goofeí.

    Abbott: Goofeí Dean, oh I see! Well letís see, we have on the bags, we have Whoís on first, Whatís on second, and I Donít Know is on third.

    Costello: Thatís what I want to find out.

    Abbott: I say, Whoís on first, Whatís on second, and I Donít Knowís on third.

    Costello: Are you the manager?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: You going to be the coach too?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: And you donít know the fellowís names?

    Abbott: Well I should.

    Costello: Well then who is on first?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: I mean the fellowís name.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The guy on first.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The first baseman.

    Abbott: Who!

    Costello: The guy playing first base.

    Abbott: Who is on first.

    Costello: Iím asking you whoís on first!

    Abbott: Thatís the manís name.

    Costello: Thatís whose name?

    Abbott: Yeah.

    Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

    Abbott: Thatís it.

    Costello: Thatís who?

    Abbott: Yeah.

    (Pause)

    Costello: Look, you got a first baseman?

    Abbott: Certainly.

    Costello: Whoís playing first?

    Abbott: Thatís right.

    Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

    Abbott: Every dollar of it.

    Costello: All Iím trying to find out is the fellowís name on first base.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The guy that gets the money.

    Abbott: Thatís it.

    Costello: Who gets the money on first base?

    Abbott: He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

    Costello: Whose wife?

    Abbott: Yes. (Pause) Whatís wrong with that?

    Costello: Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: The guy.

    Abbott: Who.

    Costello: How does he sign it?

    Abbott: Thatís how he signs it!

    Costello: Who?

    Abbott: Yes.

    (Pause)

    Costello: All Iím trying to find out is whatís the guyís name on first base.

    Abbott: No, whatís on second base.

    Costello: Iím not asking whoís on second.

    Abbott: Who is on first!

    Costello: One base at a time!

    Abbott: Well donít change the players around!

    Costello: Iím not changing nobody!

    Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

    Costello: All Iím asking you, whoís the guy on first base?!

    Abbott: Thatís right.

    Costello: Okay.

    Abbott: Alright.

    (Pause)

    Costello: Whatís the guyís name on first base?!

    Abbott: No, What is on second!

    Costello: Iím not asking you whoís on second!

    Abbott: Whoís on first.

    Costello: I donít know.

    Abbott: Oh, heís on third. Weíre not talking about him. Now letís get back to first.

    Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

    Abbott: Well you mentioned his name.

    Costello: If I mentioned the third basemanís name, who did I sayís playing third?

    Abbott: No, Whoís playing first.

    Costello: Whatís on first?

    Abbott: Whatís on second.

    Costello: I donít know.

    Abbott: Heís on third.

    Costello: There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third base and donít go off it?

    Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?

    Costello: Now whoís playing third base?!

    Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

    Costello: What am I putting on third?!

    Abbott: No, What is on second.

    Costello: You donít want who on second?!

    Abbott: No, Who is on first.

    Costello: I donít know!

    Both: Third base!

    (Pause)

    Costello: Look, you got outfield?

    Abbott: Sure.

    Costello: The left fielderís name?

    Abbott: Why.

    Costello: I just thought Iíd ask you.

    Abbott: Well I just thought Iíd tell you.

    Costello: Then tell me who is playing left field.

    Abbott: Who is playing first.

    Costello: Iím notÖStay out of the infield! I want to know, whatís the guyís name in left field?

    Abbott: No, What is on second.

    Costello: Iím not asking whoís on second.

    Abbott: No, Who is on first.

    Costello: I donít know.

    Both: Third base!

    (Pause)

    Costello: And left fielderís name?

    Abbott: Why!

    Costello: Because.

    Abbott: No, heís center field.

    Costello: (Fumbles words loudly)

    Abbott: Well thatís the fellowís name.

    Costello: Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?

    Abbott: Sure.

    Costello: The pitcherís name?

    Abbott: Tomorrow.

    Costello: You donít want to tell me today?

    Abbott: Iím telling you then.

    Costello: Well go ahead.

    Abbott: Tomorrow.

    Costello: What time?

    Abbott: What time what?

    Costello: At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me whoís pitching?

    Abbott: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is onÖ

    Costello: Iíll break your arm you say whoís on first! I want to know, whatís the pitcherís name?

    Abbott: Whatís on second!

    Costello: I donít know!

    Both: Third base!

    (Pause)

    Costello: Got a catcher?

    Abbott: Certainly.

    Costello: The catcherís name.

    Abbott: Today.

    Costello: Today? And tomorrowís pitching?

    Abbott: Now youíve got it.

    Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know, Iím a catcher too.

    Abbott: So they tell me.

    Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrowís pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and throw it to who?

    Abbott: Now thatís the first thing that youíve said right.

    Costello: I donít even know what Iím talking about!

    Abbott: Well thatís all you have to do!

    Costello: Is throw the ball to first base?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: Now whoís got it?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    (Pause)

    Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebodyís got to get it. Now who has it?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    Costello: Who?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    Costello: Naturally?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    Costello: So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally?

    Abbott: No you donít! You throw the ball to Who!

    Costello: Naturally.

    Abbott: Thatís different.

    Costello: Thatís what I said.

    Abbott: Youíre not saying that.

    Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally?

    Abbott: You throw it to Who.

    Costello: Naturally.

    Abbott: Thatís it.

    Costello: Thatís what I said!

    Abbott: Listen, you ask me.

    Costello: I throw the ball to who?

    Abbott: Naturally.

    Costello: Now you ask me.

    Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

    Costello: Naturally.

    Abbott: Thatís it.

    Costello: Same as you!

    Abbott: You just changed them around.

    Costello: Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, the guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throwís it to what, what throwís it to I donít know, I donít know throwís it back to tomorrow, triple play!

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: Another guy gets up, and itís a long fly ball to because. Why? I donít know, heís on third, and I donít give a darn!

    Abbott: OhÖWhat?

    Costello: I said, I donít give a darn!

    Abbott: Oh, thatís our short stop.

    Costello: (Fumbles words loudly)
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    Comment


    • #3
      Re: If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were around today...

      hehe, I love Abbott and Costello.

      They're a great duo.
      I'm not the Killer Man...
      I'm the Killer Man's son...
      But I'll do the killing...
      Until the Killer Man comes...

      Comment

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