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  • Chuck Norris!

    ::WARNING:: The following may contain crude or rude statements. By no means is the author of this thread claiming responsibility, liability, or credit. Read at your own discression. ::WARNING::

    Enjoy. I've been laughing for days now.
    • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
    • Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
    • Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
    • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris
    • To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
    • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
    • Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
    • If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
    • On the 7th day, God rested… Chuck Norris took over.
    • Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
    • Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
    • A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
    • If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
    • Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
    • Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
    • If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
    • Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.
    • Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
    • Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
    • Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
    • Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
    • When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
    • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
      After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
    • Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
    • Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
    • There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
    • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
    • It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
    • When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
    • Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
    • Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
    • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
    • When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
    • Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
    • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
    • A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
    • Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
    • Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
    • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
    • Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
    • The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    • After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
    • Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
    • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
    • Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
    • Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
    • Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
    • Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
    • Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
    • According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
    • A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
    • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
    • Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
    • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
    • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
    • As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
    • A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
    • Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
    • Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.
    • The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
    • If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
    • Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
    • At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

    A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
    Last edited by poe; 12-28-2005, 04:37 PM.

  • #2
    Re: Chuck Norris!

    Made me laugh out loud.
    "Umm Deputy these aren't my pants" - Common alarm cry of the North American Crackhead


    • #3
      Re: Chuck Norris!

      Originally posted by poe
      Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
      My favorite.
      "I am the prettiest african-american, vietnamese..cong..person." -SugarNCamo


      • #4
        Re: Chuck Norris! - check those out too
        Battlefield Admin() ()
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        • #5
          Re: Chuck Norris!

          Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
          I love it :).



          • #6
            Re: Chuck Norris!

            A couple I must have left out...
            • Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
            • When Chuck Norris was in iddle school, his English teacher assigned n essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an A+ for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
            • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
            • The reason there has been so many different Batman's is because Chuck Norris kept killing them off.
            • Tom Cruise is actually impotent. Katie Holmes is pregnant thanks to Chuck Norris.
            • Every time Chuck Norris wears pants a warrant is issued for his arrest. The charge is always "carrying a concealed weapon".
            • Chuck Norris showers in Pabst Blue Ribbon and mongoose blood.
            • Chuck Norris was once held prisoner back in 'Nam. Chuck plucked a hair from his beard, picked a booger and combined them together to create a grenade launcher and killed every soldier in the prison. Once he was back in America he told his story at a bar. A desperate producer overheard his story and a light bulb lit up in his head. That night MacGyver was born.
            • Instead of tipping waitresses, Chuck Norris tells them they can be content with no tip, or 15% and hearing the soft, dull crack of their necks snapping.

            More to come soon...


            • #7
              Re: Chuck Norris!

              Would someone please give Poe more rep, I am unable.
              "Umm Deputy these aren't my pants" - Common alarm cry of the North American Crackhead


              • #8
                Re: Chuck Norris!

                Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
                LOL!!! BAAAHAHAHAHAHAH

                (sure +rep)


                • #9
                  Re: Chuck Norris!

                  Here are a few more.............

                  • Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
                  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
                  • In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
                  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
                  • Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
                  • When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
                  • Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
                  • In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
                  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
                  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
                  • When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
                  • Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun
                  • Guns don’t kill people, Chick Norris kills people
                  • Chuck Norris can take a number 2 standing up.
                  • Mcguyver once tried to give Chuck Norris advice on diffusing a bomb. Chuck Norris then disemboweled Mcguyver using a plastic spoon, a wooden nickel, and the left arm of a midget… yes, a live midget.
                  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did
                  • Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shower. Dirt is too scared to touch him.
                  • 150,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris related accidents every year.
                  • Chuck Norris isn’t cool, cool models itself after Chuck Norris.
                  • When someone sneezes, God says Chuck Bless you.
                  • Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people
                  • Someone once told Chuck Norris his hair looked good. He roundhouse kicked him in the face and told him that he made the hair look good.
                  • Chuck Norris’ urine can dissolve a cast iron shotput in fifteen and a half minutes.
                  • Chuck Norris broke the sound barrier with his body while skydiving in Equador.
                  • Chuck Norris solo-ed Everest in shorts and a tank-top.
                  • Steven Hawkings was the only man to outsmart Chuck Norris, he got what he deserved…
                  • Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors.
                  • chuck Norris’ farts are irresistable to women. This is now canned and know as Axe Body Spray
                  • the last person to survive a roundhouse kick by chuck norris was michael jackson. then he turned white
                  • It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris
                  • When Chuck Norris gets cold, his nipples really do cut glass. No…..really.
                  • Chuck Norris can rhyme a word with ‘orange’
                  • Chuck Norris’ sperm are capable of flight. The frequently perform recon flights for the US military.
                  • Chuck Norris does not value money. He instead pays for goods and services with the teeth of his enemies.
                  • Chuck Norris is not himself until he consumes a case of man juice. Man juice is what Chuck Norris calls beer and kitten blood.
                  • Chuck Norris is the only man to have played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and win.
                  • Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
                  • Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
                  • The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
                  • When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
                  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
                  • Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
                  • You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris' diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
                  "Umm Deputy these aren't my pants" - Common alarm cry of the North American Crackhead


                  • #10
                    Re: Chuck Norris!

                    Some of those are copies of the Vin Diesel and Mr. T ones. Still funny anyway



                    • #11
                      Re: Chuck Norris!

                      From the Uncyclopedia that someone posted the other day..
                      Battlefield Admin() ()
                      | for | |


                      • #12
                        Re: Chuck Norris!

                        Chuck Norris speaks on his factitude!

                        "I am the prettiest african-american, vietnamese..cong..person." -SugarNCamo


                        • #13
                          Re: Chuck Norris!

                          Another of Tarpan's finds:

                          Dude, seriously, WHAT handkerchief?

                          snooggums' density principal: "The more dense a population, the more dense a population."

                          Iliana: "You're a great friend but if we're ever chased by zombies I'm tripping you."


                          • #14
                            Re: Chuck Norris!

                            "Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure"

                            Poe, if i could dump a load of +rep on you i would....This is so damn funny

                            All I ask for is communication


                            • #15
                              Re: Chuck Norris!

                              Originally posted by Ben
                              "Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure"

                              Poe, if i could dump a load of +rep on you i would....This is so damn funny
                              Lmao. That is one of my top favorites too. I actually found a chance to use that in conversation, and it fit perfectly. We had a good laugh :p




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