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Funny Military Stories anyone?

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  • Funny Military Stories anyone?

    I see a lot of military folks on here and know that some of ya have some funny stories to share with the rest of us. I am a former Navy Sonar Supervisor/Navy Diver on the USS Helena SSN 725 fast attack submarine.

    That being said guess I will start it out....(Beware little sick but not too bad)

    OK Navy boot camp Naval Training Center San Diego, CA. I was there for Boot Camp between November and January. SO lucky me I got to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years in Boot. The bad thing about this time of the year was that it got hot during the day and very cold at night. We actually had snow flurries one night for like 5 minutes. IN SAN DIEGO!

    So here it is about the third week in to boot and the brain washing is almost complete. Chow time everyone is coming out of chow hall to get in formation to head back to barracks. Beautiful warm day, nice and sunny. We start forming up and there is one big black guy...big build, muscled, stern look on his face, name of Sanders. I look over at him and I see him looking around at the Seagulls. OK No big thing...

    Well common for a lot of GUYS after chow is clearing out their passageways. Especially after a good meal of concentrated slop. One way to do this is to "Hock a Loogy" or spit on to the hot black top....

    I see Sanders watching these Seagulls swoop down and have a warm lunch of these "LOOGYS". Now here is a big man that looks like he can hammer nails with his head and not bat an eye. A strange look comes across his face....Faster then you can say "NADE!" he hurls, blows chunks and all the other ways of saying tosses his cookies....needless to say WE ARE IN FORMATION....

    The ranks seperate faster then lightning and now.... we have what I like to call "Mercy Hurlers" people who can not stand the site of others throwing up and must (Because they do not want to leave this one lone sole hurling by himself) join in. So now it is like a wave of people spreading out and start hurling...

    I am running for cover as if a morter was about to hit and laughing my backside off so hard that I almost hurled myself....

    Well the seagulls now see a buffet for them which causes Sanders and 90 percent of the rest of the group to have a repeat performance of run and hurl.... I look over at the company commander "Former Navy Seal" who was very unhappy about being a "former active" Seal...shaking his head and yelling at everyone to get back into ranks...

    (Of course for the sake of this post and some people I am leaving out ALL the explatives that he was using at that time.)

    Finally about 100' where we were originaly formed we got into a rag tag formation and started marching back to barracks...With the company commander yelling at Sanders to keep his eyes forward...Sanders trying not to watch the Seagulls enjoying their meal....

    Imagine a military group forming up and scattering faster then a grenade hitting in the center....

    I think if this had happened and I was in the Marines anyone that hurled would have been shot...LOL!!!

    One of my many memorable events in the military.....

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  • #2
    Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

    LOL, nice one.
    ~~ Veritas simplex oratio est ~~
    No matter how far a wizard goes, he will always come back for his hat. --T. Pratchett

    <---- You know you're getting old when you rely on your forum meta-data to remind you how old you are.


    • #3
      Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

      I have a great one but it involves Hebrew translation and the funny part might be lost along the way..damn!

      All I ask for is communication


      • #4
        Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

        Funny Military stories? Hah, I've got loads. It rocks so very, very much to be a military brat!

        Back when my father was stationed in germany as a tank platoon (and later, company) commander, he was running through the firing range. For those who do not know, a tank firing range consists of targets for your main gun and targets for the mounted MGs on your tank. Well, my father had almost finished, and had taken out the main gun targets, leaving only a group of infantry targets.
        Unfortunatly, he and his crew had used up all the MG ammo, and you aren't supposed to fire on the infantry targets with your main gun. So, he had two choices: Not complete the course, or use his main gun to wipe out those little wooden buggers.

        A short while afterwards, my father was called into the office of the company commander. With a grin on his face, he "chided" my father in a very half-hearted manner. Part of the reason for his grin became evident upon examination of the company commaner's office. He had one of the remaning infantry targets leaning up against the wall. It had one BIG ASS hole right through the middle, right where the tank round went through. :)

        Later, my father was now a captain. He was given an asignment to found J-Stars( It was and is a aerial recon unit, that uses refurbished commecial air liners loaded with electronics) and, of course, be its commander. Well, unfortunately, this asignment was to Robins AFB(AUUUUUGGHH!!) . This was the lead in for a couple stories, without it they would have made little sense.

        1. My father got his unit together in the morning, once, for some apparently non-air farce style PT. This includes, of course, a unit run in formation around the base. Well, after they had been running for a time, a couple SP(Air farce cops) cars stoped the formation and asked for the leader of the formation to come with them.
        They take him to the office of some big base cheese(Can't remember who) who then procedes to inform him that unit runs were apparently not the norm in the air farce. He then says that you must submit a route far in advance, so they can close it down, lest a BIG ASS FORMATION get run over.

        2. Well, my dad had just gotten back from one of his tours in the Balkans(This one was 8 months long, I believe) . The air farce runs a 24/7 food place in the terminal for military personnel, and my dad was hungry for something other than MREs or care package junk. He walked up to the air farce guy at the counter and asked for a ham and cheese sandwich.

        The guy than replied, "Sorry, sir, I'm not cleared for the ham and cheese.". :D

        This is a tiny portion of the military stories I've got. If I think of some more good ones, I'll post 'em.
        War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling that thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety is a miserable creature, who has no chance at being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. -- John Stuart Mill--

        "O xein angellein lakedaimoniois hoti tede keimetha tois keinon rhemasi peithomenoi"- Monument, Thermopylae


        • #5
          Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

          Originally posted by Ben
          I have a great one but it involves Hebrew translation and the funny part might be lost along the way..damn!
          Whatever...just gist it for us...unless its a pun, we SHOULD get it...I'll try and think of some funny stuff to involves a four letter country that starts with I and ends in N....they didnt like how close we were(close.)...Im not sure its funny...was scary though
          Last edited by section-8; 02-06-2006, 02:52 PM.


          • #6
            Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

            After my grandfather had passed, we were at my grandmas looking at his WWII medals, papers, etc.

            On his service record (which had everything from his enlistment, service history and discharge) there were a few days at boot/training camp that showed he was AWOL for 2 days. I found out that during my grandma's pregnancy (giving birth to my mom) there were complications. When gramp found out, they would not let him leave camp because they are close to shipping out. So in the middle of the night, he sneaks out of the base to go see her...thus going AWOL.
            |TG-1stMIP| Ransack


            • #7
              Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

     we go..Please pardon my language

              During Basic Training in the Israeli Army, new soldiers are constantly told the regulations and order of the proper way to handle a suspicious person approaching your position. It goes like this: (English Translation), shouted in this order:
              1) Stop!
              2) Stop and Identify Yourself
              3) Stop or I'll Shoot

              Then, if he doesnt stop, you shoot in the legs and only then afterwards you shoot to kill.

              Ok, so every night before we head off to our tents to sleep, we are given these instructions by our commanders in order to remember them and burn them into our brains when we get up in the middle of the night for guard duty.

              Now, the phrase in Hebrew to "stop and identify yourself" sounds like this in Hebrew: "Atzor LeHizdaye". (the 'e' pronounced like the 'ay' in 'Okay')
              Now I was just a raw recruit, only in the Army for a month and still learning Hebrew. The commanders decided that starting one night, each soldier would have to get up in front of everyone, including the base commanders and the batallion commanders, and he would have to repeat the open fire orders for all to hear to make sure that each soldier knows these orders by heart.
              So, it came to being my turn. Now, don't get me wrong, it is quite a simple thing to memorize and repeat a few Hebrew was still very basic and my main vocabulary still consisted of mainly curse words and basic sentences.
              So, here I am standing in front of the entire base, and the commander asks me in Hebrew; "Ok Ben, what is the first thing you say when a suspicious person approaches you while you are on guard duty?"
              I say "STOP!"
              "Very good Ben" he says
              "Now, what is the second thing you say?"

              AND here everything went to hysterics. There is a curse word in Hebrew and it is pronounced "LeHizdayen". Note the extreme similarty in pronunciation between this word and the word previously mentioned, "LeHizdaye". The problem was that I thought the word to use in the next phrase of identification was the same word that I heard so often, that was actually a curse word..... so rather then saying to everyone "Stop and Identify Yourself", I actually said "Stop and Go **** Yourself"!!
              I gotta say, the entire base was on the floor rolling with laughter, from the green privates to the Generals.
              It was a night I will never forget.

              All I ask for is communication


              • #8
                Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

                ~~ Veritas simplex oratio est ~~
                No matter how far a wizard goes, he will always come back for his hat. --T. Pratchett

                <---- You know you're getting old when you rely on your forum meta-data to remind you how old you are.


                • #9
                  Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

                  lmao ben...I was really hoping it wasnt a word joke....but thats alright...I see now why I dont hear much of an accent in CS...

                  heres a good joke we play regularly...
                  the FOD inspection checklist:

                  foreign object damage is one of the most common hazards on the flightline...anything from nylon strings...even birds (but we call that something else) can get sucked into a jet engine and do thousands (or millions) of dollars worth of everytime a vehicle enters the flightline, people have to get out and check for things stuck in the tire treads and wheel wells...etc etc...

                  Enter the new flyers: these guys have never been on the jet...they just put on their flight suit this morning (not allowed to wear it until you fly....) they probably dont know about a FOD check...

                  Enter the ******* instructor who puts together a little tool box complete with rubber gloves, tiny crowbars, safety goggles, mini-maglights and a special checklist for the new flyers...

                  Watchin the new guys with tiny crowbars in bright yellow gloves and safety goggles try to pry pebbles out of the tire treads was awesome...everyone on the bus was dying when they stepped back on the bus from their 'FOD check'

                  What makes it even funnier (probably) is that doing stuff like that is not far off from what the air force might actually make you its totally reasonable to be out there looking like an idiot for over-protective-mommy-air-force (apparently force is not spelled with an A)


                  • #10
                    Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?


                    As always it is fun to mess with the JO (Junior Officers) and Midshipman that are new aboard a ship. And in this honored tradition of teasing the people that supposedly lead us I give you...

                    As I have said I was stationed on a USN Submarine...In order to load torpedoes we would have to go to a dock at "West Loch". This is a special area where we can load ordanance while minimizing any damage "JUST IN CASE".

                    To load a torpedo on to a submarine it must fit through the 45" weapons hatch. The Upper and middle decks are removed so that the torpedo can be lowered to the torpedo room.

                    Then a Skid is bolted to the top of the submarine to be able to angle the torpedo down through the levels. The skid is always greased with a special thick lubricant to allow the torpedo and skid shell to gluide easily.

                    And of course since this is done by the weapons crew there needs to be a weapons officer on site to ensure everything goes well. As always the newest midshipman or JO is sent to do this. Barely out of college and brand new to the Submarine and they get the lowest of officer tasks.

                    Setting for a lilttle prank...

                    After a few torpedoes are loaded and we are waiting for the crane crew to set up another torpedo the JO comes to check the skid make sure it is this point I look over at the JO with a strange look on my face and say...

                    "Excuse me sir you have a little grease on your face..."

                    At which point the JO touches his face checking for the grease...At the same time my counterpart in this little crime has taken some of the skid grease on his finger and smears it on the JOs other cheek and says...

                    "Oh no this side sir..."

                    The JO then reaches up and sure enough there is grease there...and I tell him that...

                    "Sir you missed some on the other cheek..."

                    and sure enough he just takes the hand that he smeared greased from his face on to and checks his other cheek which of course smears grease on the other cheek.

                    At this point we all affirm that he has gotten rid of the offending grease from his face and he continues about his day oblivious to his now marked face...the entire Crane and Weapons crew snickering the entire time.

                    Until later when a senior officer comes to check on things and sees his JO in this condition...

                    The senior officer gives us the look of death (for some reason he thinks he knows it is our fault) and takes his JO aside to explain the situation....

                    This is when the entire crew finaly looses it....

                    Now this may seem mean but it sure helps the crew see if this JO will be part of the family and not crack while we are out at sea...if he comes back laughing or chuckling things will be OK.... If not he probably won't last long.....

                    Play MySpace games? to get all the Peeps you need for any game!

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                    • #11
                      Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

                      Quest, you are da man.
                      Josh -
                      Some men will always be animals, while others ... they will be Men.


                      • #12
                        Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

                        I heard a similar story from my recruiter. He had been a crewman on an MLRS. Whenever they got new guys in, they'd assign them to do a "hull integrity check." Basically they were given a ball peen hammer and a piece of chalk and told to go all around the vehicle tapping it with the hammer. Anytime they heard a change in pitch, they were to mark it with a chalk "X." For best results, have them do it on someone else's vehicle. A similar joke would be to have them "check the shocks." This mostly amounted to the new guy jumping up and down on a 30 ton vehicle trying to get it to move.

                        When I was in AIT, people would constantly fall asleep in class. The instructor must of got tired of having them do 45 minutes of push-ups, so he started sending them out on wild goose chases for ID10T kits or ST-ONE's.

                        There were a couple times after PMCS (vehicle inspection) that gullible people would ask us what to do if their blinker was out. The usual response was "just go down to maintenance and ask for some blinker fluid." Other popular ones: chem light batteries/charger, box of grid squares.


                        • #13
                          Re: Funny Military Stories anyone?

                          I was never enlisted myself but both my uncle and father who was a drill sergeant during Vietnam and my uncle who was an M60 gunner in Vienam were.

                          One story that always stuck out in my mind was one about a water tower near the Yuma Proving grounds where my father was station during most of his military career.

                          Apparently from what my father told me was they had some Rangers on base with them. And one of the Rangers who would go drinking with could not stand the sight of this water tower against the desert backdrop and had vowed one night during some binge drinking that he was going to wire it with C4 and get rid of it.

                          They all chuckled at the idea and explained that the water tower was one of the main water supplies to the base and destroying it would be a bad idea. They didn't think anything more of it and a few nights later the Ranger wasn't drinking with my father and his buddies. So, taking what the Ranger had said a few nights prior a little more seriously they hopped in an Army Jeep and drove to the tower and found this Ranger on top of it.

                          They ended up carrying him off of the tower kicking and screaming and brought him back to the base. I don't even know what happened after that because it usually ended up with him telling me more serious stories about playing penuckle with the CO of the base and then shooting someone in their warehouse while he was on guard duty in a restircted area.

                          And the only funny story my uncle ever told me was towards the end of the war he was in Saigon and ended up getting drunk and wandering off the next morning he found himself in a building on top of a rafter and had no idea how he got there. Then all his other war stories are pretty serious.

                          I'm cannon fodder.




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