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The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

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  • The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

    Now I'm suspecting that almost all of the non UK readers have no idea who Jeremy Clarkson is. He made his fame presenting a tv show called top gear, which is all about cars. Years ago it used to be a fairly stale program that used to feature mainly top end or executoive cars that you know you could never afford romping around the english countryside. Yawn. Now however with the injection of Men and Motors madman Richard Hammond the show is hugely improved, featuring such regulars slots such as celebrity timed laps, and many features where the presenters compete at something ridiculous. Like crashing old cars into walls to see test their safety, and playing football with minis.

    Anyhow, Mr Clarkson is also a somewhat outspoken conservative tyke. It is only made bearable by the fact that he knows this, and not only often laughs at his own preferences and prejudices, but also accepts other people's rights to have their own views, even if he doesn't accept that view, or thinks you are just plain crazy for for it. Such stoicism often makes him a love or hated figure, but when coupled with his determined gritty honesty, and a certain flair for words (few other people would describe a car as looking like it just had a banana shoved up it's tailpipe), it makes him a regular in the british tabloids.

    So whilst I was looking for something to do other than watch the humiliation that the french rugby team were giving the english ones last Saturday afternoon, I picked up a copy of The Sun lying on the coffee table of my mate's house, and idly flicked through it just as Danny Grewcock gave away another penalty or something or other on the tv, and read this article. Apologies for you not knowing who some of those spoken about might be, I'll include a quick glossary after the article for you to reference.


    Originally posted by Jeremy Clarkson, The SUn (published without permission)
    There's no doubt that Ruud Van Nistlerooy (*1) has a long face. Certainly if I were to meet him I'd give him a sugar lump and maybe some juicy apples. Unfortunately when Gary Lineker (*2) said much the same thing on a footballing programme, he was rapped by bosses for being insensitive and rude. Welcome to the club Gary. Last week Anne Robinson (*3) and I were in the firing line for making jokes about homosexualists. But then I'm used to it because in recent months I've been criticised by women's groups for comparing a Porsche to a pair of breasts, I've been slammed for assaulting a tree and hauled over the coals for putting a map of Wales in a microwave. Oh, and when I said the German made Mini had a satellite navigation system that only went into Poland it nearly started World War Three.

    It's not just loonies and weirdos that are complaining either. The Labour Party (*4), which is made up of liars and fools also tried to get in on the act, trying to pass a Bill which made it a criminal offene to "insult" someone because of their religeous beliefs. That would have made all those Englishman Irishman and Scotsman jokes illegal. And John Cleese would still be in prison for having done The Life of Brian. And try this for size. When I recently said that Jesus was a "bachelor" a team of God botherers descended on Chipping Norton, demanding that I be drummed out of town.

    It gets worse. Recently I made a joke on Have I Got News For You (*5) about foxes. Within days I was being formally interviewed by the police. And of course if you draw a cartoon featuring a Muslim, you're going to wind up on the internet in an orange boiler suit. The message is clear. Today you cannot make a joke if somebody, somewhere is offended by the punch line. And since pretty well all jokes will cause offence to someone, you cannot make a joke at all. Sadly, what these humourless bigots don't understand is that teasing forms the very essence of male friendship.

    When I tease someone about their long face or their big ears or a particularly distinctive speech impediment I am not bullying them. In fact I'm inviting them to call me a bad tempered, fat, balding, unfit slob with a gay car and a fondness for vulgar home appliances. Only last week I asked the editor of a style magazine if he liked my new jacket. "No", he said, "It makes you look like a ****." No woman would say that about a freind's new outfit but we were men, and it was the ice breaker. The moment the two of us went from acquaintances to friends.

    At the moment most people would be scard stiff of insulting a Muslim in print or on stage. So how can you be friendly with someone when there are taboos, areas of conversation where you can't go? We should look to our relationship with the French here as a shining example of how it all should work. They call us Rosbif (*6). They mock our cooking and our weather, as we mock them for being cheese-eating surrendering monkeys.

    By laughing at each other it shows we're equals. It shows we're mates.
    Glossary
    *1 Dutch footballer, plays as a centre forward for Manchester United. Has a long face.
    *2 Retired English footballer, played centre forward for Liecester City and Tottenham Hotspur. Secured 80 england caps, scoring 48 goals, one short of the england record. Now present Match of the Day, an english premiership football highlights programme.
    *3 TV presenter, most famous for The Weakest Link.
    *4 Political party, currently in governemnt. Equivalent to Democrats / Socialist parties in other countries.
    *5 Politcal satire show, dressed up as a quiz show. Comedians, politicans and celebrities comment on the weekly news.
    *6 = Roast Beef, due to the British fondness for this food.


    Interesting article, and something which has stong elements of truth. Certainly I'd not rib some of the guys here that I didn't know nearly as much as someone like Bommando or JMJ would get stick, and in return I have never been joked about by someone on here that I didn't feel was a friend. It is plain to see where the stongest friendships lie when youplay these games, as these are the guys that are most often making jokes at each other's expense. But then not everyone wants to be friends in this way, and maybe some things should be above this level?

    Anyway, thought I'd post it up here to see what thoughts people had on it.

  • #2
    Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

    I think that Mr. Clarkson is right on...
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    • #3
      Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

      Originally posted by CingularDuality
      I think that Mr. Clarkson is right on...

      one of the few times i agree with you cing... but mr clarkson knows he can say what he wants... because its expected of him.... and he often speaks the truth...


      www.TeamElement.com

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      • #4
        Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

        Jeremy Clarkson kicks all kinds of ass and is right.

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        • #5
          Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

          Sigh... Wulfyn still doesn't get it. We aren't trying to break the ice when we tell him he sucks!

          We say things like:
          "Uh Wulfyn, let someone else drive the jeep so we don't crash this time. You can't drive worth a crap!"

          And he comes back with:
          "Hey guys, wanna go out for some virtual drinks after the game?"

          To which we reply:
          "Are all brits this annoying?"

          And then we get:
          "You guys are great pals!"

          :D
          Peace through fear... since 1947!

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          • #6
            Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

            I wouldn't know but it sounds like Wulfyn is to Jeeps what Mr. Clarkson is to the GT40

            I'm 99999999999999999999999999999% sure you Brits have no idea what I'm talking about.

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            • #7
              Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

              Originally posted by CingularDuality
              I think that Mr. Clarkson is right on...
              x3.

              I've always liked him and his show Top Gear. And I'm a frickin' cowboy. (Yankee, Cowboy, whatever the brits call us Americans these days. :)) My only wish is that the BBC would aire the show on American TV like it does for Monty Python's Flying Circus and all the other great British programming.

              [volun][drill]
              I'm cannon fodder.

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              • #8
                Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

                The quoted article is very true.... VanNistlerooy looks like a reverse centaur. :P

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                • #9
                  Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

                  Originally posted by Icky
                  "Uh Wulfyn, let someone else drive the jeep so we don't crash this time. You can't drive worth a crap!"
                  This is something I would never disagree with. When you have to apologise to randoms on a public server about your lack of driving skills, you know something ain't too hot ;)

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                  • #10
                    Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

                    Originally posted by icky
                    Sigh... Wulfyn still doesn't get it. We aren't trying to break the ice when we tell him he sucks!
                    We say things like:
                    "Uh Wulfyn, let someone else drive the jeep so we don't crash this time. You can't drive worth a crap!"
                    And he comes back with:
                    "Hey guys, wanna go out for some virtual drinks after the game?"
                    To which we reply:
                    "Are all brits this annoying?"
                    And then we get:
                    "You guys are great pals!"
                    LMAO!
                    Dirt013



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                    • #11
                      Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

                      Mr. Clarkson is completely right. Teasing is indeed a defining part of male friendship. As an example many will be familiar with, look at South Park. A bunch of male fourth graders saying stuff like:


                      "Ay, you smelly butthole!"

                      "What is it, fat stuff?"

                      "Pass the chips you retard."

                      "Here ya are, fatty"

                      "Thanks, smelly"


                      :) See? It's just part of hanging out with some of the dudes. I know I do that kind of stuff with my friends, and it wouldn't be the same without it. It's just pure camaraderie. :icon14:
                      War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling that thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety is a miserable creature, who has no chance at being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. -- John Stuart Mill--

                      "O xein angellein lakedaimoniois hoti tede keimetha tois keinon rhemasi peithomenoi"- Monument, Thermopylae

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                      • #12
                        Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

                        absolutely positively true, ya overformal straightlaced rule-mongers! ;)

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                        • #13
                          Re: The world according to Jeremy Clarkson

                          Originally posted by AzzMan
                          I wouldn't know but it sounds like Wulfyn is to Jeeps what Mr. Clarkson is to the GT40

                          I'm 99999999999999999999999999999% sure you Brits have no idea what I'm talking about.
                          You got that right :D

                          A few more articles about Mr Clarkson and his crackin sense of humour :)
                          http://cars.msn.co.uk/carnews/ttclar...05/Default.asp

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