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  • joke of the moment

    A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
    HUGE black guy standing next to him.

    The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
    feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
    right testicle, Turner Brown."

    The white man faints and falls to the floor.

    The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The
    big guy says , "What's wrong with you?"

    In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

    The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
    you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
    tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
    weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds,
    and my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
    "Turn around"!
    Magnum |TG-18th|

    We stand between chaos and order, evil and good, despair and hope - we are the Thin Blue Line, and we will never be broken.

  • #2
    Re: joke of the moment

    Here are five reasons why you should think before you speak -
    the last one is great!
    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
    immediately take the words back...
    or that you could crawl into a hole?
    Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

    I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
    "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
    I turned around and walked back out and never went back
    My husband didn't say a word...
    he knew better.

    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
    I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
    After browsing for several minutes,
    I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
    He asked if he could help me.
    Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

    My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
    As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
    I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
    My sister started to laugh hysterically.
    The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
    To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

    While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
    some pent-up energy and ran amok.
    I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
    and annoyance from other patrons.
    I told her that if she did not start behaving
    "right now" she would be punished.
    To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
    "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you
    kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
    The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
    Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
    I mustered up the last of my dignity and
    walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
    The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
    My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
    One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
    It was very busy, with a full dining room.
    While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
    my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
    The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
    I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
    I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
    Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
    "No," he replied
    I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
    Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
    and yelled
    While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
    An old couple made me feel better,
    thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
    Magnum |TG-18th|

    We stand between chaos and order, evil and good, despair and hope - we are the Thin Blue Line, and we will never be broken.


    • #3
      Re: joke of the moment

      All from women. enough said
      that sounds like a good idea trooper.


      • #4
        Re: joke of the moment

        Dear Employees:

        It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

        We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. Or Vice Versa...

        1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

        INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

        2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

        INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

        3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

        INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

        4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

        INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

        5) TRY SAYING: Really?

        INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

        6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

        INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

        7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

        INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

        8 ) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

        INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

        9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

        INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

        10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

        INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

        11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

        INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

        12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

        INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

        13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

        INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

        14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

        INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

        15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

        INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

        16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

        INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

        17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

        INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

        18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

        INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

        Thank You,

        Human Resources


        • #5
          Re: joke of the moment

          A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is
          the difference between potentially and realistically?"
          The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask
          your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
          ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
          dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
          dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

          So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
          with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course
          I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you
          kids to a great University!"

          The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep
          with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I
          LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

          The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you
          sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother
          replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

          The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went
          back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference
          between potentially and realistically?"

          The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting
          on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two
          hookers and a homo."


          • #6
            For the ladies!

            Eight Words with Two Meanings

            1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
            Female: Any part under a car's hood.
            Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

            2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
            Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
            Male: Playing football without a cup.

            3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
            Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
            Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

            4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
            Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
            Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

            5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
            Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
            Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

            6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
            Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
            Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

            7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
            Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
            Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

            8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
            Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
            Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


            He said .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
            She said . . You wear pants don't you?

            He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
            She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
            on the sofa and fart!

            He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
            She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

            He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
            She said .. We don't know; it has never happened.

            He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
            Good- looking?
            She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

            She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
            He said . . A widow.

            He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
            She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



            • #7
              Re: joke of the moment

              A man is working in his backyard. His 5 year old daughter comes out of the house and asks: «Daddy, what's sex ?».

              He is a bit shocked, but figures he'd better answer. After a lengthy and fairly complete explanation, he realizes she now really looks baffled. He then asks her: « why are you asking me about sex ?».

              She replies: «Mom asked me to go tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of secs».


              «That looks like a really nice house except for that horrible bathroom.» Donrhos

              | |


              • #8
                Re: joke of the moment

                Slow is Smooth. Smooth is Fast!


                • #9
                  Re: joke of the moment

                  “I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words “I do.”

                  One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT???”

                  So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

                  The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

                  Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go to the cash register.”

                  I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey, I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, “Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

                  And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”
                  I figure that I won’t be having sex again until some time after the Spring of 2008 but godammit it was worth it.”


                  • #10

                    WOMAN'S POEM
                    Before I lay me down to sleep,
                    I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
                    One who's handsome, smart and strong.
                    One who loves to listen long,
                    One who thinks before he speaks,
                    One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
                    I pray he's gainfully employed,
                    When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
                    Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
                    Massages my back and begs to do more.
                    Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
                    Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
                    I pray that this man will love me to no end,
                    And always be my very best friend.

                    MAN'S POEM
                    I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
                    who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
                    doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****


                    • #11
                      Re: joke of the moment

                      Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

                      One turns to the other and says, "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

                      The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

                      The 2nd man says: "What? Are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

                      The 1st man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

                      The 2nd man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

                      The 1st man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

                      The 2nd man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

                      Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker---"You know, Superman, you're a real ******* when you're drunk"

                      18th SF Operational Detachment Delta


                      • #12
                        Re: joke of the moment

                        Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

                        As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

                        Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

                        Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

                        Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

                        "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

                        "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

                        Well, not exactly," Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"

                        She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

                        And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

                        18th SF Operational Detachment Delta


                        • #13
                          Re: joke of the moment

                          LIZARD BIRTHING

                          If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
                          Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

                          Here's what happened:
                          Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"
                          I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
                          "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
                          "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.
                          "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

                          "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
                          "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
                          "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
                          "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)
                          By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
                          "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
                          "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
                          We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
                          "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
                          "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
                          "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
                          "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
                          "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

                          We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
                          "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
                          The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
                          "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
                          "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
                          "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.....Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
                          We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
                          "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

                          Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

                          "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its....its.....teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
                          "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
                          "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
                          "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
                          2 - Lizards - $140...
                          1 - Cage - $50...
                          Trip to the Vet - $30...
                          Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless.

                          Moral of the story -- finish biology class -- lizards lay eggs!

                          18th SF Operational Detachment Delta


                          • #14
                            Re: joke of the moment

                            Originally posted by TG_Bubba View Post
                            Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
                            Become a supporting member!
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                            TacticalGamer TX LAN/BBQ Veteran:


                            • #15
                              Re: joke of the moment

                              (DON'T SKIP THE PRAYER AT THE END. IT'S PRICELESS!)

                              A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning
                              coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
                              approaching the nearby cemetery.

                              A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
                              hearse 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second
                              hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
                              Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women
                              walking single file.

                              The woman was so curious that she respectfully
                              approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so
                              sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to
                              disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
                              Whose funeral is it?"

                              "My husband's."

                              "What happened to him?"

                              The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

                              She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second

                              The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying
                              to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

                              A poignant and thoughtful moment o f silence passed
                              between the two women.

                              "Can I borrow the dog?"

                              "Get in line."

                              A Woman's Prayer:
                              Dear Lord, I pray for:

                              Wisdom, to understand a man.
                              Love, to forgive him, and
                              Patience, for his moods.
                              Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.





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