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  • A Few Jokes

    Why is president Bush so confident that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?

    Because he still has the receipt.

    One day a pair of Marines where walking through the jungle and all of a sudden, one of the Marines fell to the ground. The other Marine, in panic, called headquarters in search of help. "Commander, Commander, my Marine is down and I dont know what to do, Sir," said the Marine. The commander said "What! You mean to tell me that one of my own Marines does not even know how to check a man for wounds! It's a insult. Now Listen to me closely, does he have any bullet holes in him?" In the radio you heard gunfire. The Marine replied with "Now what sir?"

    One day a Marine, a Ranger, and a Navy SEAL where in the junglepatroling in recon. All of the suden, a bunch of headhunters came out of nowhere and captured them. They brooght them to their village and tied them up in the center of town where the chief headhunter waited. The chief said "We will grind your bones to make our weapons, we will skin you to make our boats, and use your meat to fead our people." He approached the Marine and said "Do you have any last request before you die?" The Marine said "Yeah give me my rucksack." They gave him the rucksack and he pulled out a gun and shot himself. the chief said "we can still use his meat and skin." He approached the SEAL and asked the same question as he did the Marine. The SEAL said "Yeah give me my dog tags." They gave him them and he ploped out a siodine pill and was dead in 30 secs. The Chief said " We can stil use him." He approached the Ranger and asked the ame question. The Ranger said "Give me my mess kit." The chief thought this weird but gave him the Ranger the mess kit. The Ranger pulled out a fork and said You can use my meat to fead your people, you can use my bones to make your weapons" staabbing himself with the fork said "but to hell with your boats!"
    If it is stupid but works, then it is not stupid.
    -Murphy

  • #2
    Re: A Few Jokes

    One day a pair of Marines where walking through the jungle and all of a sudden, one of the Marines fell to the ground. The other Marine, in panic, called headquarters in search of help. "Commander, Commander, my Marine is down and I dont know what to do, Sir," said the Marine. The commander said "What! You mean to tell me that one of my own Marines does not even know how to check a man for wounds! It's a insult. Now Listen to me closely, does he have any bullet holes in him?" In the radio you heard gunfire. The Marine replied with "Now what sir?"


    this joke is a bad adaptation of the hunters joke,


    2 men go out hunting for bear, alll of a sudden one spots his pray he takes aim and shoots, at that secont the second man stumbles into the fire and is hit, he then lays unconcious on the ground, his friend realising what has happened phones the ambulance,

    "help my friend has been shot i need help what do i do it think he is dead"

    a reply comes " ok sir do me a favor and make sure he is dead"

    2 shots ring out and a rely comes "done what now"

    that was published in a newspapper as the worlds most funny joke, not because it was the best joke you have heard but because no matter what country you tell it in everyone will get it.


    www.TeamElement.com

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: A Few Jokes

      News Anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR Reporter Cokie
      Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one
      day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.
      The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?

      Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
      hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

      Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of
      is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want
      to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right
      ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now
      I can die in peace."

      Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
      tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

      The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final
      wish?"

      "Kick me in the balls" said the Marine.

      "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

      "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the balls," insisted the Marine.

      So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the balls.

      The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him,

      "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the balls?"

      "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal pansies call me an
      aggressor?!?"
      stolen from cingularr because i thought it was hilarious...... your third joke made me think of this.


      www.TeamElement.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: A Few Jokes

        That's one of the funniest jokes I've heard in a long time. Here is another.

        One day a blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street. They see a $100 bill. Who gets it?
        The blonde because the smart blonde and Santa dont exstist.

        One day, a bear and a rabbit walked throi\ugh a forest where a legendary being in a white robe supposedly lived. The rumor was the any who lay eyes on him gets three wishes. Well the two see him, so naturally they get 3 wishes each. The bear gets his first.
        "I wish every bear in the forest was a female except for me."
        "Ok", the being said. It was done.

        "Ok,"the bear said. "What could be better than that? OH! I GOT IT! I wish every bear in the NATION was a female except for me."
        "Ok. It's done."

        "Well," said the bear." What could be better than that? OHHH! I GOT ONE!!! I wish every bear in the WORLD was a female except for me.
        "Ok."

        Now the rabbit gets his.
        " I want a moped."
        "ok"
        The bear asked the rabbit, "Why on earth do you want a moped?!"
        "To get away from you after I mak the rest of my wishes. Anyway, my second wish is a bike helmet"
        He gets his helmet.
        "Ok. For my third wish, I want this bear standing by me to be gay."

        One day, an admiral an Ensign, and a Senior Cheif, all of the navy die and go to the gates of heaven. The preist at the gate asked the Admiral "What do you want the people on Earth to say about you?" I want themm to see me as a great leader" said the Admiral. It was done. The preist asked the same question to the ensign. "I would like them to see me as a hard worker." It was done. The priest asked the Senior Cheif "Now you Senior Cheif, what would you like them to say about you?" The Senior Chief smiled and said "I want them to say 'look, he's movin!'"
        Last edited by LegionPaulL; 05-19-2004, 03:57 PM.
        If it is stupid but works, then it is not stupid.
        -Murphy

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: A Few Jokes

          an english man an american and an irish man are all convicted of murder and sentenced to 25 years in prison in solitary confinement with only one luxary.

          the Englishman requests 25 years supplie of beer.

          he gets it and goes into his cell and sits down to all the beer...

          the american asks for 25 years of hotdogs with all the trimmings.

          the irishman asks for 25 years of cigarettes.

          after the 25 years the ENglishman emerges still drunk and with the brain the size of a walnut... the american comes out with the support of the fire brigade because he is so fat he cant walk, and when they opened the irishmans cell he said.... would you mind sir if i had a light.

          lola man books a holiday to canada, he is looking forward to this holiday because in the travel agents they have put him in a prime hunting spot.

          he goes on holiday and buys a nice rifle, ideal for killing deer. he goes out into the woods and for hours nothing had come up...

          all of a sudden he hears a russtle and from behind him a huge bear taps him on the shoulder.

          to his amazement he turns around and the bear says, "bend over"

          "excuse me" the man replies

          "bend over son i have not had a human in a long time"

          so he bends over and the bear rogers him .

          the next day the man goes to the nearest armoury and buys a 50 calibre sniper rifle and a 60 cal fixed machine gun nest, he sets it all up in the woods and doesnt see anything.

          then again he hears a rustle, turns round and there is the bear, he fires all the weapons and depletes the rounds and the bear is gone.... just then.... tap tap tap/... the bear is behind him.... so he turns round and the bear says.... oh you again... ok bend over.... so the man does ...

          the next day the man goes to the nearest army base and steals gas masks tear gas m16's grenades mortars.... and KY jelly (lol) he goes to the woods amd destroys the entire woods. jkust then tap tap tap... he turns round with his ky jelly and the bear says.... your not just here for the hunting are you mate/....

          lol

          a man buys a dog from the circus, and the dog can do all kinds of tricks. it can bring the papper balance on the stairs and sit at the kitchen table to eat its breakfast. but the dog kept ****ting at the top of the stairs.

          nothing the man tried could stop it from doing this. finally he asked a freind who said, when his dog did a shiet he would rub the dogs nose in it and throw it across the room.

          so the man went hom determined to sort the problem, and sure enough next time the dog did a crap he rubbed his nose in it and threw the dog down the stairs.

          2 months later the man sees his friend again and his friend asked about his probelem. to which the man replied,

          i didnt work, the dog now thinks its a trick, he rubs his own nose in it and throws himself down the stairs....

          ok the last one was lame.


          www.TeamElement.com

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: A Few Jokes

            Q. What do you call three Lawyers in the back of a Transit Van?

            A. A good night's hunting.
            (you can exchange lawyers for any chosen minority depending on your level of political correctness.)

            Q. What's the definition of cheekyness?
            A. Throwing a brick through a window, then knocking on the door and asking for it back.

            The other day I saw a woman at the bus stop with three children and I overheard their conversation. The first child turned to the mother and asked "Mum, why am I called Rose?" to which the mother answered "Because when you were born a rose landed on your head and we thought it was good luck so we called you Rose."

            Then the second child turned to her mother and said "So why am I called Daisy then Mum?" and the mother said "Because when you were born a daisy landed on your head and we thought it was good luck so we called you Daisy."

            The third child turned to its mother and went "Grraunnghh mmmwaaaanggh!!!???!!!" and the mother said "Shut up Fridge!"
            Wintermute

            Play EVE online. It's like being an accounting addict in space.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: A Few Jokes

              One day, a Marine officer, a Navy officer,and a Army officer were trying to apply for a job as a Agent in the CIA. All of the officers did great in the test on everything. The main agent, giving them the interviews, said to come back in the morning.

              The Army officer was the first to come back. The interviewing agent said to the officer "You have proven that you are worthy of the CIA, but there is one last thing we ask of you. Three rooms down the hall is your wife," sliding the Army officer a handgun "kill her." The Army officer said "I wouldn't do that for the world." "Ok then your presence isn't needed here, please leave." said the agent. The Navy officer came and the agent said and asked the same question as the Army officer was asked. "No, I love her to much" said the Navy officer "even if she is two rooms down." The interviewing agent said "Your precence here is useless, leave." The Marine Officer came in and the interviewing agent asked the same question as the Navy and Army officers. The Marine took the gun went to the room to the left where his wife was. You heard gun shots, chairs rattling, screaming, until there came silence.

              The Marine came back in the room where the Agent was and said "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle her to death!"
              If it is stupid but works, then it is not stupid.
              -Murphy

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: A Few Jokes

                ok i have one but you will have to wait till i get home from college because i have to go.....lol


                www.TeamElement.com

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: A Few Jokes

                  Ok, I have a whole bunch, but I'll save them for when you or someone else responds back.
                  If it is stupid but works, then it is not stupid.
                  -Murphy

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: A Few Jokes

                    Jerry takes an elevator 20 floors up to a top-floor bar. When he gets there he sees another man sitting alone at the bar so he joins him.

                    The man turns to Jerry and said, "I'll bet you $20 I can jump out that window and 5 minutes later I'll come walking out of that elevator safe and sound."

                    Jerry thinks he's kidding so he says, "Sure man." The man gulps down his drink and jumps out the window. Jerry runs to the window but he can't see the guy, and he can't figure out where he could have gone but down to the pavement. Five minutes later, the man comes walking out of the elevator safe and sound.

                    Jerry's shocked and says, "How did you do that?!? I saw you jump out of that window!"

                    The man sits down by him and says, "It's this drink. It will make you fly."

                    "Sure man," Jerry says and doesn't believe him.

                    "Fine, I'll show you again." The man orders another, drinks it down, runs and jumps out the window and five minutes later he's walking out of the elevator.

                    Now Jerry's convinced, so he says to the bartender, "Give me one of those magical drinks." He slams it down, looks back at the man and takes a running leap out the window. He falls 20 stories and dies on impact.

                    The bartender turns to the man at the bar and says, "Superman, you can be a real ass sometimes."
                    [volun]

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: A Few Jokes

                      A school teacher, a lawyer, and a catholic priest just get done working out at the gym. As they walk outside, the sky turns red, it starts raining fire, and they see the four-horsemen of the apocolypse: Armageddon.

                      The teacher asks: What about the children?
                      The lawyer says: Screw the children!
                      And the priest says: But, do we have time?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: A Few Jokes

                        Those are pretty good. I have to think for a whole second. I'll get back soon with a good joke.
                        If it is stupid but works, then it is not stupid.
                        -Murphy

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: A Few Jokes

                          An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and
                          asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.
                          The pharmacist asked "How many?"
                          The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I
                          cut each one into four pieces."

                          The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That
                          won't get you through sex."

                          The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty year' s old
                          and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want
                          it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes...."
                          I do what I can.

                          cpgf: (n.) Acronym describing a significant other who has not yet acheived full spousal status and is in possession of a cable modem; of note because at YOUR house, you still have dial-up -- and crappy dialup at that.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: A Few Jokes

                            In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
                            stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

                            On a Sear's hairdryer:
                            Do not use while sleeping.
                            (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

                            On a bag of Fritos:
                            You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
                            (The shoplifter special?)

                            On a bar of Dial soap:
                            Directions: Use like regular soap.
                            (And that would be how?)

                            On some Swanson frozen dinners:
                            Serving suggestion: Defrost.
                            (But, it's "just" a suggestion).

                            On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
                            Do not turn upside down.
                            (Well...duh, a bit late, huh?)

                            On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
                            Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
                            (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
                            just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
                            I do what I can.

                            cpgf: (n.) Acronym describing a significant other who has not yet acheived full spousal status and is in possession of a cable modem; of note because at YOUR house, you still have dial-up -- and crappy dialup at that.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: A Few Jokes

                              OK.... I wonder how many men have done this.....




                              :icon_cool

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