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Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

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  • Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

    I have found this in the PR forums and thought this was extremely funny.

    "To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

    Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

    The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

    You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    Look up "interspersed."

    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

    You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

    While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

    British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).

    We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

    You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation "
    "Dirtboy is super awesome, and chicks dig him too!"- Everyone




  • #2
    Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

    I speak English. Not US English, just English. Brits speak strange dialect which I call British.
    A policy of freedom for the individual is the only truly progressive policy. -F.A. Hayek

    "$250,000 a year won't get me to Central Park West."

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

      Funny - this actually got me fired up a few times.
      Gigan - Shaman (Resto)
      Pistos - Semi-retired Shadowpriest
      ...and other distractions of various levels.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

        6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
        American football on average is pretty boring.
        Football (Soccer) is boring enough to bring me to tears.

        Soccer is boring enough to violate the laws of physics. There is SO MUCH going on in a soccer game and the announcers are consistently going ballistic on their microphones, yet it's just lame. At least Golf is quiet enough for me to fall asleep watching.

        Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies).
        I've heard this before and it's completely retarded (I know this whole document is satire, but still). Your average rugby player does not weigh 250-300 pounds and looks to intentionally slam into other players for 90% of the game. Put a couple of American Football Receivers into a game of rugby and people will probably start dying on the field.

        Oh and for the record: Kevlar doesn't do anything against blunt force trauma. If anything, it CAUSES blunt force trauma when it stops a bullet. Pads do not stop energy, they merely spread out the force of the impact.

        7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
        Yea, because legal owners of firearms commit all the crimes in America.

        Stereotyping AHOY! Maybe I'm just callous, but I can't find this funny. I'm all for a good bashing on America when it's well thought out and is actually written by someone with a semblance of humor. This is really just "EU ROCKS! USA SUCKS!"

        Oh yea, and Americans aren't the only ones disgracing the English language.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

          Haha, great read Dirtboy. Thanks :)
          It's not even that far away from the truth. See, the Netherlands isn't part of Germany, it's actually a real country!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

            ...but we haven't been pronouncing 'aluminium' incorrectly. We've been pronouncing 'aluminum' correctly. Check the pronunciation guide.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

              Good Read..and just for fun.. Don't get all bent out of shape over it..
              I mean christ...all they have to say is we have Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan.. and we should be ashamed... In Fact they were able to dump the Beckams on us.. and we give old Spice girl a TV show... we are pathetic...
              |TG|ARMA Pathfinder
              ..now where did I put my keys?

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

                Aluminum! Where'd the "-nium" come from?
                - Oh wait...oh my gosh...it is spelled -nium!

                Originally posted by Dirtboy
                4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
                What about Patrick Steward?! He's been the good captain (and sometimes admiral) of the UFP on Star Trek! He is a good guy for crying out loud!

                And what about the James Bond films? There's a lot of "British cast as good guys" in it. Hell MI6 is even glorified!

                Originally posted by Dirtboy
                6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
                Ah, but we do play "football". You see we call it "soccer" in these here states. And we were ranked 5th the last time we were involved in the FIFA World Cup Championships. Take that!

                Originally posted by Dirtboy
                12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
                Beer, Lager, who the hell cares! It all takes the same: disgusting and bitter (for those of us who don't happen to like "beer/lager").

                Originally posted by Dirtboy
                15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
                Never!

                Who wrote this thing? And no, I don't think he's funny either...he's just lame.
                |TG-18th| Acreo Aeneas
                TG World of Tanks Clan Executive Officer
                Former 9th & 13th

                Pronounciation: Eh-Cree-Oh Ah-Nay-Ess
                Still can't say it? Call me Acorn then. -.-





                SSDs I Own: Kingston HyperX 3K (240 GB), Samsung 840 Pro (256 GB), Samsung 840 EVO (250 GB), Samsung 840 x 2 (120 GB), Plextor M5S (120 GB), OCZ Vertex (30 GB)

                TG Primer and Rules

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

                  Originally posted by Acreo Aeneas View Post
                  What about Patrick Steward?! He's been the good captain (and sometimes admiral) of the UFP on Star Trek! He is a good guy for crying out loud!
                  Captain Picard's character (Patrick Stewart) was actually from France, yet he still had a British accent.

                  And as for that: Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jin are also decent examples.

                  And just as a side-note: a man who can do an excellent job of completely changing his "accent" would be Samuel Jackson. If you've ever seen him in an interview, you'd understand what I mean.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

                    I was laughing the whole way through reading that.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

                      Of all the US bashing crap I've ever seen.... this has got to be the lamest. Really

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

                        Looks like utah will be over populated.
                        that sounds like a good idea trooper.
                        -Vulcan

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

                          I dont care for Utah much either, though later in life I do plan on going there as a door to door Atheist missionary.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

                            Just to set the record straight...Im and American and a proud one at that.

                            @ JohnFlenaly...this wasnt bashing the US, it was just a funny read and I thought alot of our Enlgish buddies would get a kick out of it.
                            "Dirtboy is super awesome, and chicks dig him too!"- Everyone



                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Notice To Citizens Of The Usa

                              Oh, I meant that the actor Patrick Steward is British. He's also starred in X-Men (although not as a British I don't think).
                              |TG-18th| Acreo Aeneas
                              TG World of Tanks Clan Executive Officer
                              Former 9th & 13th

                              Pronounciation: Eh-Cree-Oh Ah-Nay-Ess
                              Still can't say it? Call me Acorn then. -.-





                              SSDs I Own: Kingston HyperX 3K (240 GB), Samsung 840 Pro (256 GB), Samsung 840 EVO (250 GB), Samsung 840 x 2 (120 GB), Plextor M5S (120 GB), OCZ Vertex (30 GB)

                              TG Primer and Rules

                              Comment

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