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  • New Rules

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.


    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?


    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.


    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.


    New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis


    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I "self-checkout" my own stuff, or look up from figuring which way to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my candy bar.


    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant . You're not spiritual. You're just high.


    New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


    New Rule: No more gift registry. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.


    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
    |TG-33rd|Calvin

  • #2
    Re: New Rules

    You could wage a war with that kind of roflcopter.
    The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. ~
    I have a tendency to key out three or four things and then let them battle for supremacy while I key, so there's a lot of backspacing as potential statements are slaughtered and eaten by the victors. ~
    Feel free to quote me. ~

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: New Rules

      I wish I could have been "permanently damaged" as a teenager!

      Too much awesomage for one post +rep!
      LoyalGuard

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: New Rules

        Another Bill Maher fan I see.

        He has a new HBO special out and his show comes back this Friday.
        RX-78-2 Gundam EFSF Protoype Close Combat Mobile Suit Armor: Luna Titanium Armament: 2x Beam Sabers, 2x 60mm Head vulcan guns 380mm Hyper bazooka, Beam Rifle, Beam Javelin, Hyper Hammer, Gundam Hammer, shield
        TG Natural Selection admin. Need anything PM me.
        7th Infantry FTW!!!!!
        "Snob? Nah...I consider myself more of a PC Evangelist...converting the heathens to The Way." Prophaniti
        "Windows is like Pokemon you gotta catch'em all." kenshinsama1

        [tg-c1]

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: New Rules

          :icon14: :icon14:


          DB

          «That looks like a really nice house except for that horrible bathroom.» Donrhos

          | |





          Comment


          • #6
            Re: New Rules

            Good stuff! Is this original material?
            "Common sense is not so common." -Voltaire

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: New Rules

              This is from a comedian named Bill Maher. He is mainly a political comedian and is a Libertarian. He was the host of this show called Politically Incorrect but lost that show for a comment he made about 9/11. Basically he said that we shouldn't call the terrorists cowards since well they flew planes into buildings as missles. A stupid act? Maybe. Cowardly? No. (Paraphrase of what he said.) This made him lose several sponsors for his show and was thus fired from ABC. HBO picked him up and he now has a very similiar show called Real Time with Bill Maher.

              A new HBO special came out last week I believe and Real Time returns this week with a new season. He also was the host of this show called Fishbowl. It was on Amazon.com.

              I generally agree with him and he is pretty funny. He is one of my favorite stand up comedians. In no particular order I would say Chris Rock, George Carlin, Bill Maher, and Robin Williams are my favorites. Carlin tops them though. He is just so dark and nihilistic that it works out well. I actually started writing comedy because of him.

              Ohhh and I almost forgot to mention that these "New Rules" comes from a segment Bill has towards the end of Real Time. He basically says about 3-4 IIRC New Rules then finishes up with a New Rule that leads into a monologue. You can find plenty of his stuff on youtube.
              RX-78-2 Gundam EFSF Protoype Close Combat Mobile Suit Armor: Luna Titanium Armament: 2x Beam Sabers, 2x 60mm Head vulcan guns 380mm Hyper bazooka, Beam Rifle, Beam Javelin, Hyper Hammer, Gundam Hammer, shield
              TG Natural Selection admin. Need anything PM me.
              7th Infantry FTW!!!!!
              "Snob? Nah...I consider myself more of a PC Evangelist...converting the heathens to The Way." Prophaniti
              "Windows is like Pokemon you gotta catch'em all." kenshinsama1

              [tg-c1]

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: New Rules

                Funny, with one fairly stupid one:

                "New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water."

                He should realize that pretty much everything you find in the drink section is some form of flavored water. What the hell do you think Iced Tea is? Soft drinks are upwards of 99% water as well. Oh, they put CO2 in it, so it's WAAAAY different.

                But hey, what's up with airline food, amirite?

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