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  • Stupid Fat Squirrels

    I don't live in a city that is crammed full of buildings and has almost no greenery except for the occasional park, instead, I live in a town that has a lot of space in between lot of buildings (NOT SUBURBIA). Well anyway my father put out bird feeders full of various seeds and sometimes animal fat for those that like meat. Well the squirrels like these things as well. My dad has said so many things about these creatures that I dare not repeat them in the case that I might go to hell if i say them. Well anyway does anyone have funny stories about the critters that try to live with us humans.
    |TG-6th|SirNerd

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  • #2
    Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

    Two parts. Not necessarily funny, but pertinent to the subject.

    My grandparents used to live up in Jacksonville, FL right near Orange Park and their backyard was huge. Backed right up to a big wooded area. My grandmother always liked to have bird feeders out. Well, squirrels did the same thing to my grandfather's bird feeders that they do to your dads. So my grandfather took a two pronged approach. First, he got a pellet gun, low velocity and blunt rounds. Turns out that if you shoot a squirrel in the butt, they tend to run away (my grandfather was a crack shot too, never missed). While all this was going on, he designed a bird feeder that was squirrel proof. He ran a line between two trees and then hung a bird feeder from it by a 18" length of high test fishing line. The catch is that the roof was very slick and slanted at such a steep angle that the squirrels would get on it and slide right off, leaving them a nice 10 foot drop to the ground. Half the time they never made it down to the feeder though because they couldnt figure out how to climb down the fishing line, and if they tried to jump on it, it would wobble and they'd fall. They never did get into that feeder after he put it up, but he still sat out on his back porch with that pellet gun and plinked them as they ran across the wire toward the feeder to try.

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    • #3
      Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

      Stupid squirrels try to eat the free food we leave hanging from a tree.
      Idiotic beasts, where do they get such ideas!

      :)
      |TG|Switch

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      • #4
        Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

        There is some bird feeder company who had some motto "watch squirrels do tricks".
        I even bought some of their ad/posters. They are funny.

        Edit: Just did a seach and found:
        http://www.squirrelstuff.com/index.php?cPath=27
        The posters are what I bought at a local store for like a buck each.

        The little video of the squirrel sliding off the feeder at the top of the site is pretty funny, too.
        "Sympathy means a lot, coming from Kulmar. I didn't think it was possible.
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        • #5
          Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

          Not squirrel related, but still somewhat funny story that's animal related.

          Around the San Francisco Bay area there is a Buddist monestary up in a hillside town. I've probably mentioned them before in a rant about religious freedom being a joke considering how much crap they take from the local government, but I digress. A key point in the Buddist religion is the accumulation and sharing of merits by doing good deeds. Boiled down that translates to buying your way into a better life so its easy to see why people are so receptive of it. One way of gaining merits is to free a 'captive animal'. This is why quite a lot of asian markets sell whole life catfish and will even give them to you alive on request with a carrying container. Alright, enough background.

          So people feel that since the monestary is in a hillside/mountain area without a pool for catfish they should set free game birds. One day a family was celebrating something and brought over 6 large chickens of which 3 were roosters and 3 were hens. I've seen pictures of these birds and I kid you not these aren't chicken farm birds since the roosters can easily come up to my knees if not midthigh. I'm talking big and heavy animals. So as the family is getting their blessings for their good deed by the monks the 6 birds are wandering around the back pecking at the foilage and having a grand time of their freedom. The family, good deed acomplished, go home in high spirits.

          The next morning there are only 5 birds since one of the hens are missing. That night there are only 4. Next morning there are only 2. Of course the monks know what's going on since they live at the monestary and people feel the need to release animals to 'save them' from becoming food. You see as big as those chickens are the hawks and eagles living in the backyard are even bigger. So every time they get hungry they just swoop down and pick up one of those large chickens and take them away. Always happens and the monks are used to it, but they can't refuse people their good deeds so these poor animals are set free to die anyways.

          Picture a 1.5-2 feet tall rooster getting plucked from the ground in the talons of an eagle and that's pretty much what goes on.
          My sanity is not in question...
          It was a confirmed casualty some time ago.


          Light, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they ticked me off.



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          • #6
            Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

            I had two great uncles, one of them didn't like killing anything so he set up a box trap to catch the squirrels that kept eating the birdseed. He would then drive them across town and let them go. After a while he swore they kept coming back, so after he caught them he would spray-paint them bright colors and then let them go across town. They never did come back.

            The other uncle would catch them and then gas them with the exhaust of his car.

            Yes my family is crazy..

            I didn't join a squad once and this guy named Nardini took me into the back room and beat me with a sock of oranges.

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            • #7
              Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

              my uncle sits watching TV near the front door, and when he sees squirls he shoots them with paintball guns haa, too bad he sucks he never hit 'em
              "...and they call me ready to deploy, engage and destroy, wherever you need me to be. I'm an American Warrior!"

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              • #8
                Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

                Those squirrelly Budhists! :p (Though not really any more squirrelly than the various nutty religions originating in the Middle East. ;))
                Dude, seriously, WHAT handkerchief?

                snooggums' density principal: "The more dense a population, the more dense a population."

                Iliana: "You're a great friend but if we're ever chased by zombies I'm tripping you."

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                • #9
                  Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

                  Originally posted by Tarenth View Post
                  Not squirrel related, but still somewhat funny story that's animal related.

                  Around the San Francisco Bay area there is a Buddist monestary up in a hillside town. I've probably mentioned them before in a rant about religious freedom being a joke considering how much crap they take from the local government, but I digress. A key point in the Buddist religion is the accumulation and sharing of merits by doing good deeds. Boiled down that translates to buying your way into a better life so its easy to see why people are so receptive of it. One way of gaining merits is to free a 'captive animal'. This is why quite a lot of asian markets sell whole life catfish and will even give them to you alive on request with a carrying container. Alright, enough background.

                  So people feel that since the monestary is in a hillside/mountain area without a pool for catfish they should set free game birds. One day a family was celebrating something and brought over 6 large chickens of which 3 were roosters and 3 were hens. I've seen pictures of these birds and I kid you not these aren't chicken farm birds since the roosters can easily come up to my knees if not midthigh. I'm talking big and heavy animals. So as the family is getting their blessings for their good deed by the monks the 6 birds are wandering around the back pecking at the foilage and having a grand time of their freedom. The family, good deed acomplished, go home in high spirits.

                  The next morning there are only 5 birds since one of the hens are missing. That night there are only 4. Next morning there are only 2. Of course the monks know what's going on since they live at the monestary and people feel the need to release animals to 'save them' from becoming food. You see as big as those chickens are the hawks and eagles living in the backyard are even bigger. So every time they get hungry they just swoop down and pick up one of those large chickens and take them away. Always happens and the monks are used to it, but they can't refuse people their good deeds so these poor animals are set free to die anyways.

                  Picture a 1.5-2 feet tall rooster getting plucked from the ground in the talons of an eagle and that's pretty much what goes on.
                  I'm going to bring them a grizzly bear (tranquilized and caged of course), redeem my karma points, and run like hell before the tranquilizer wears off. I think we'll see the opposite effect then: animal population stays steady while the monk population steadily decreases. :icon26:

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                  • #10
                    Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

                    Squirrel Obstacle Course

                    [media]http://youtube.com/watch?v=nWU0bfo-bSY[/media]
                    ...............................








                    Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.

                    -Benjamin Franklin

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                    • #11
                      Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

                      Don't screw with this squirrel (I'm STILL laughing!) and you know how I hate squirrels

                      Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Birchwood Ave.anymore)

                      I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect...

                      I was on Birchwood Ave - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

                      It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a
                      squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

                      Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

                      Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

                      I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

                      But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

                      Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

                      I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

                      Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back.

                      The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded.

                      I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

                      As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment) so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.

                      By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of... so to speak.

                      Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

                      I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things.

                      First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shot gun at his own police car.

                      So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger...

                      That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

                      I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Birchwood, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves, and some Band-Aids.
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                      • #12
                        Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

                        Holy crap. I remember laughing until I had tears in my eyes the FIRST time you posted that story, but I read it again and again I laughed out loud until a tear or two streamed down my face!
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                        • #13
                          Re: Stupid Fat Squirrels

                          Originally posted by INSUNABULA View Post
                          The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shot gun at his own police car.
                          :icon_eek:
                          I am the one, I am the zero, I am your low resolution hero.

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