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10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

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  • 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilising a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
    Allen: Yeah, you're right.
    Monkerz: I think "that" in its self proves my intelligence greater than yours, thus joo have just been pwnt by Monkerz!

  • #2
    Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

    I'm glad I have boys because if I had a girl, these rules make perfect sense.



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    • #3
      Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

      Rule 11: Overprotective dads are creepy for reasons which are all too obvious.

      Can someone say incest? Yuck.
      Last edited by Nikolas; 11-06-2007, 08:57 AM.
      A policy of freedom for the individual is the only truly progressive policy. -F.A. Hayek

      "$250,000 a year won't get me to Central Park West."

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      • #4
        Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

        ^^

        TYB.. 'Overprotective' I dunno.. I'm just an Uncle to 3 toe-head blond ranch girls.. and all those rule apply to what I would require as well.. and I'd have to go to Tennessee.

        If I had a girl (thank God I have a boy).. I'd lay the smack down - AND train my girls about the value of a good knee to the crotch.. Even better.. if they have to make that move..

        :madsmile: TELL ME.
        sigpic


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        • #5
          Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

          Originally posted by Monkerz
          Rule Nine:
          Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
          :row__577:

          That was probably the one that got me hysterically laughing.
          |TG-18th| Acreo Aeneas
          TG World of Tanks Clan Executive Officer
          Former 9th & 13th

          Pronounciation: Eh-Cree-Oh Ah-Nay-Ess
          Still can't say it? Call me Acorn then. -.-





          SSDs I Own: Kingston HyperX 3K (240 GB), Samsung 840 Pro (256 GB), Samsung 840 EVO (250 GB), Samsung 840 x 2 (120 GB), Plextor M5S (120 GB), OCZ Vertex (30 GB)

          TG Primer and Rules

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          • #6
            Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

            This is sooo old it's not funny
            Rod Powers over at about.com had this listed many moons ago in his military fourm
            {Once again, Fetterman wins "Grumpiest Pirate of the Week" award.} "Axis of Eeevil"

            Proud Member of "TG-IRR" Since 14 Sept 2007.

            Never give up, never give in. Fight until you die, or until you win. Failure does not come from a lack of knowledge or skill... It comes from a lack of will.

            "Bittersweet Symphony"

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            • #7
              Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

              Originally posted by sgt fetterman View Post
              This is sooo old it's not funny
              Rod Powers over at about.com had this listed many moons ago in his military fourm
              Thanks dude,

              You want to ruin it for the rest of us. If you just want to come in and read and enjoy, then fine do that. Dont leave crap remarks like you did!
              Allen: Yeah, you're right.
              Monkerz: I think "that" in its self proves my intelligence greater than yours, thus joo have just been pwnt by Monkerz!

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              • #8
                Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

                I've got a daughter. Which sucks when you have all the guys to worry about. With a boy, its usually just one girl to worry about.

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                • #9
                  Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

                  I'm wondering what the rules look like when you discover your daughter likes girls.
                  Dude, seriously, WHAT handkerchief?

                  snooggums' density principal: "The more dense a population, the more dense a population."

                  Iliana: "You're a great friend but if we're ever chased by zombies I'm tripping you."

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                  • #10
                    Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

                    I know one thing: When my 2 year old daughter gets a bit older, we start martial arts classes. I want my daughter to be able to break whatever she wants on whatever guy is stupid enough to touch her wrong.

                    And I own swords. And staves. Spear. Knives. Crossbow. Power tools. Ohh... my belt sander. Come here, prospective date. Let me show you something.
                    "Sympathy means a lot, coming from Kulmar. I didn't think it was possible.
                    Good luck getting rid of your disease. If you're infected, though, stay away--I can't afford to be a zombie right now.
                    " Ednos


                    sigpic




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                    • #11
                      Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

                      Originally posted by Skylark View Post
                      I know one thing: When my 2 year old daughter gets a bit older, we start martial arts classes. I want my daughter to be able to break whatever she wants on whatever guy is stupid enough to touch her wrong.

                      And I own swords. And staves. Spear. Knives. Crossbow. Power tools. Ohh... my belt sander. Come here, prospective date. Let me show you something.
                      Yeah, Thats one thing I would hate to see, a woman with martial art experience and access to swords, staves, spears, knives, crossbows, powers tools, not to mention a god-forsaken belt sander.

                      Are you wanting the world to come to an end. Hell, I know how my better-half acts when its that time of the month. The letters P-M-S come to mind(Permissible ManSlaughter).
                      Allen: Yeah, you're right.
                      Monkerz: I think "that" in its self proves my intelligence greater than yours, thus joo have just been pwnt by Monkerz!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

                        Originally posted by MONKERZ View Post
                        Yeah, Thats one thing I would hate to see, a woman with martial art experience and access to swords, staves, spears, knives, crossbows, powers tools, not to mention a god-forsaken belt sander.
                        Like Sigourney Weaver in Alien, Linda Hamilton in Terminator, Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, and Jessica Alba in Dark Angel. Yeah, I so don't want to have them as significant others. NOT. :icon15:
                        Dude, seriously, WHAT handkerchief?

                        snooggums' density principal: "The more dense a population, the more dense a population."

                        Iliana: "You're a great friend but if we're ever chased by zombies I'm tripping you."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

                          Originally posted by ScratchMonkey View Post
                          I'm wondering what the rules look like when you discover your daughter likes girls.
                          :icon_eek:

                          Rule 1: Guhbaubhusuhauhushhu... *drools*
                          I am the one, I am the zero, I am your low resolution hero.

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                          • #14
                            Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

                            Over your own daughter? Man, that's just sick. >.>

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                            • #15
                              Re: 10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

                              All-knowing merciless god of your universe.....friggin hilarious :D
                              |TG-Irr|Avengingllama
                              I used to eat paint chips. Now I just drink the paint because I couldn't find a salsa that went well with the chips and they were dry =)

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