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How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

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  • How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

    Got this recently and thought I'd share it with the group.

    MESS TEST
    Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

    TOY TEST
    Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

    GROCERY STORE TEST
    Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

    DRESSING TEST
    Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
    bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

    FEEDING TEST
    Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

    NIGHT TEST
    Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and
    sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

    INGENUITY TEST
    Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

    AUTOMOBILE TEST
    Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
    Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

    PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
    Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

    PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
    Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
    and read it quietly for the last time.

    INTIMATE RELATIONS TEST
    Prepare to have intimate relations with your spouse. Arrange for a tape recorder to suddenly cry out, "Mommy/Daddy! I'm thirsty/I need to go to the potty!" or to simply cry (ear-splittingly!). Rig something up to knock on your bedroom door while the tape
    recorder says, "Mommy/Daddy, I had a bad dream. Can I sleep in your bed?"

    FINAL ASSIGNMENT
    Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
    children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

  • #2
    Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

    Originally posted by leejo
    PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
    Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
    So true.
    Good article.

    drew

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

      Can I get a witness? Amen.
      New to TG?

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

        Originally posted by USN_Squid
        Can I get a witness? Amen.
        Witness here !!

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

          preaching to the choir.
          Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -Albert Einstein
          The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. -Harlan Ellison

          If all else fails: "rm -rf /"

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          • #6
            Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

            Originally posted by USN_Squid
            Can I get a witness? Amen.

            Another one!

            (Ain't parenthood GREAT!)

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

              A-freaking-men. Hooboy. This is gonna get interesting.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

                Preach on Brutha!!

                Amen...

                Agreed...

                Ditto....

                etc...
                "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. sigpic

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

                  Originally posted by luna
                  A-freaking-men. Hooboy. This is gonna get interesting.
                  :icon26:

                  Hmmm, why would that be? Everyone seems to be agreeing here. I certainly agree. It's just a cute little humor article that happens to be frighteningly true. What exactly do you mean?
                  Become a supporting member!
                  Buy a Tactical Duck!
                  Take the world's smallest political quiz! "I was touched by His Noodly Appendage."
                  TacticalGamer TX LAN/BBQ Veteran:

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                  • #10
                    Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

                    Well, I am not a parent as of now(I hope).

                    But Looking Forward to the day that a little Monkerz is born. Might need all of TG to help me tho.

                    ROFLMAO(but not really)

                    -Monkz
                    Allen: Yeah, you're right.
                    Monkerz: I think "that" in its self proves my intelligence greater than yours, thus joo have just been pwnt by Monkerz!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

                      You forgot the
                      "Counterstike Test": Buy counterstrike. Make the mistake of one day letting a six-year-old watch you play it and then make the bigger mistake of letting him play around on Condition Zero. Wife has a fit because it's too violent a game for a six-year-old to play. Don't let six-year-old play it. Listen to six-year-old whine day after day about how he wants to play Counterstrike and you won't let him.



                      Ghost

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                      • #12
                        Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

                        Originally posted by MONKERZ
                        Well, I am not a parent as of now(I hope).

                        But Looking Forward to the day that a little Monkerz is born. Might need all of TG to help me tho.

                        ROFLMAO(but not really)
                        -Monkz

                        well cant say the same, im not a parent, and i cant wait for the day i get to run foir the hills when "Miss DudeMan" even throws up in the morning.... lol#

                        nah


                        www.TeamElement.com

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

                          Originally posted by luna
                          A-freaking-men. Hooboy. This is gonna get interesting.

                          well am i missing the interesting bit? i think this may have been luna worming in a "peh MEN" thing that women like to do....


                          (in girly voice) "peh Men.... tut tut tut .... peh..." there you are luna ill join in with you...


                          www.TeamElement.com

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

                            Originally posted by Ghost
                            You forgot the
                            "Counterstike Test": Buy counterstrike. Make the mistake of one day letting a six-year-old watch you play it and then make the bigger mistake of letting him play around on Condition Zero. Wife has a fit because it's too violent a game for a six-year-old to play. Don't let six-year-old play it. Listen to six-year-old whine day after day about how he wants to play Counterstrike and you won't let him.



                            Ghost

                            i have a solution, buy M4 let six year old ask mom again if he can play it.... (ofcourse holding the m4)


                            www.TeamElement.com

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: How to know whether or not you are ready to have children

                              Originally posted by Ghost
                              Make the mistake of one day letting a six-year-old watch you play it and then make the bigger mistake of letting him play around on Condition Zero. Wife has a fit because it's too violent a game for a six-year-old to play. Don't let six-year-old play it. Listen to six-year-old whine day after day about how he wants to play Counterstrike and you won't let him.
                              Ghost
                              Huh????? My ex had no problem with her boy watching me play it when he was 5. He's a very bright kid, but there's no way he could handle playing it even now he's 6. He struggles with kids games on the PS1. The blood and gore are laughable even in CS, even in source. If a headshot left a mess instead of an untouched body I'd be with you (probably).

                              Root
                              BFCL TF2 league admin

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