Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

A Few Funnies!

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • A Few Funnies!

    The art of crashing a Cobra!
    While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
    As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
    Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
    Cobra: "I don't know Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

    Letter Home!
    "Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home. "I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..."
    Several months later came another letter: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl..."
    Two weeks later came yet another note: "Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl..."

    Officers versus NCO's
    The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
    The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
    1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
    CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
    1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

    Privates not the sharpest knives in the drawer!
    The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door.
    "Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private.
    "Yes sir!," the Private Responds.
    An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived. Worried, the captain checks with the Sentry.
    "Did the General arrive?"
    "No Sir!"
    Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again?
    "Hasn't the General arrived yet?"
    "No Sir!"
    This continues for two hours. Finally, the General arrives.
    "Where the hell have you been?," snapped the private. The captain's looking for you!

    Army Doctor!
    An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
    "Chronic syphilis, Sir."
    "What treatment are you getting?"
    "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
    "What's your ambition?"
    "To get back to the front, Sir."
    "Good man," said the Major.
    He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
    "Chronic piles, Sir."
    "What treatment are you getting?"
    "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
    "What's your ambition?"
    "To get back to the front, Sir."
    "Good man," barked the Major.
    He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
    "Chronic gum disease, Sir"
    "What treatment are you getting?"
    "F ive minutes with the wire brush each day."
    "What's your ambition?"
    "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

    Army Policy - Command Reduction of Army Personnel - C.R.A.P!
    As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.
    A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. The program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
    Soldiers who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).
    Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.
    CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.
    If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.
    The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SH*T) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SH*T our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SH*T than any other service.
    If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SH*T, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SH*T you can stand.

    Combat rules!
    Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor
    "Aim towards the enemy."
    --Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
    --U.S. Marine Corps
    "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
    --USAF Ammo Troop
    "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
    --Infantry Journal
    "A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
    --Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
    "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
    --U.S. Air Force manual
    "Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
    --Infantry Journal
    "Tracers work both ways."
    --U.S. Army Ordnance
    "Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
    --Infantry Journal
    "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
    --David Hackworth
    "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
    --Infantry Journal
    "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
    --Joe Gay
    "Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
    --Anon
    "Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
    --Unknown Marine Recruit
    "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
    --Infantry Journal
    "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
    --USAF Ammo Troop
    BlackDog1




    "What we do in life... echoes in eternity!"

  • #2
    Re: A Few Funnies!

    French letters

    I went to the doctor today to talk about contraception.
    She said "You could try French letters".
    I said "What's that?"
    She said "Condoms"
    I said "I don't like them".
    So she said "You should try the French Army method then".
    I said "What's that?"
    She said "You pull out before you get into trouble!".


    Entertainment For The Troops

    The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.
    She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

    For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

    The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

    For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

    The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

    She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"


    Beginner's Guide to Combat

    Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
    Friendly fire isn't.
    The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is an officer with a map.
    The problem with taking the easy way out is that it is already mined.
    The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
    The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.
    Incoming fire has the right of way.
    If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
    The Quartermaster only has two sizes; too large and too small.
    If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
    The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
    The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
    There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and they miss.
    Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat zone it draws sergeants.
    If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
    Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
    All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets ... printed at different scales.
    All battles are fought uphill.
    All battles are fought in the rain.
    If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.
    Tracers work both ways.
    If the enemy is in range, so are you.
    Never reinforce failure, failure reinforces itself.
    Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
    Always know when it's time to get out of your vehicle
    Always know how to get out of your vehicle.
    Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
    Always honour a threat.
    The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
    There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
    No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
    Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness what mess hall food is to cuisine.
    Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
    The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater that the distance you can jump.
    Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
    Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
    There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
    The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
    Radios work perfectly until you need fire support.
    Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
    When in doubt, empty the magazine.
    If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
    Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
    Minefields are not neutral.
    If it's stupid and works, then it's not stupid.


    Royal Marine sniper

    While interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan, a Reuters News reporter asked the Marine what he felt when killing Al Qaeda with a sniper rifle.

    The Marine thought for a moment and replied, "Recoil."


    The French

    What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands in the air?

    The army.

    .................................................. .................................

    How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?

    We don't know, it hasn't been tried yet.

    .................................................. ..................................

    I joined the French army yesterday.

    Was a bit confused though - the body armour only covers the back.

    .................................................. ...................................

    Have you seen those French Army Knives?

    No scissors or tweezers, just 6 corkscrews and a white flag.

    .................................................. ...................................

    What's the first thing the French army teaches at basic training?

    How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

    .................................................. ...................................

    What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?

    You can make soldiers out of toast.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: A Few Funnies!

      good stuff guys...especially like the one where the sniper said "recoil" to the question of what do you feel when firing on terrorists.
      sigpic
      |TG-1st|Grunt
      ARMA Admin (retired)
      Pathfinder-Spartan 5

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: A Few Funnies!

        Sorry and I know it's all in jest , but I do take offense to a constant barrage of "French" jokes.

        I am not French but lived in Quebec for a number of years so know some well. You may also want to check out where your fabled "Statue of Liberty" came from.

        Might be a good idea to edit some of the jokes and diversify the nationalities. Nothing wrong with using American , Ukranian , Polish , Australian etc. just to do away with the French bias.

        Thanks.
        [CoFR] BeerHunter

        You shouldn't feel bad because you're not succeeding. It's far better to feel confident that you have the ability to handle failure

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: A Few Funnies!

          lol,sorry mate, no offence intended i assure you, i will edit when i can, but im literally going now, so bear with me an hour or so!

          PS, im British,not American, so maybe that explains the friendly jesting?!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: A Few Funnies!

            Originally posted by BeerHunter View Post
            Sorry and I know it's all in jest , but I do take offense to a constant barrage of "French" jokes.

            Nothing wrong with using American , Ukranian , Polish , Australian etc. just to do away with the French bias.
            Wait so it's ok to make fun of other countries but not the French??

            My name: Adept a skilled or proficient person Abyss a deep, immeasurable space, gulf, or cavity
            So I'm a very skilled deep hole :D

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: A Few Funnies!

              Originally posted by AdeptAbyss View Post
              Wait so it's ok to make fun of other countries but not the French??
              No..that's not what I meant.

              All the jests were aimed at the French and had I realized the original poster was Irish I wouldn't have said anything.(Irish and British have a long standing history of hostilities with the French anyway..*puts on French accent* "hey - you fight me you fight my gang eh")

              I still have a bad taste in my mouth over all the anti-French sentiment in the US because the French wouldn't go into Iraq with Bush (freedom fries.. lol).

              Erroneously assumed he was a left over of days gone bye.

              My mistake and I apologize.

              But hey , this is supposed to be a posting about military humor , not a political debate so..back on topic..
              [CoFR] BeerHunter

              You shouldn't feel bad because you're not succeeding. It's far better to feel confident that you have the ability to handle failure

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: A Few Funnies!

                Originally posted by BeerHunter View Post
                No..that's not what I meant.

                All the jests were aimed at the French and had I realized the original poster was Irish I wouldn't have said anything.(Irish and British have a long standing history of hostilities with the French anyway..*puts on French accent* "hey - you fight me you fight my gang eh")

                I still have a bad taste in my mouth over all the anti-French sentiment in the US because the French wouldn't go into Iraq with Bush (freedom fries.. lol).

                Erroneously assumed he was a left over of days gone bye.

                My mistake and I apologize.

                But hey , this is supposed to be a posting about military humor , not a political debate so..back on topic..

                I understand where Beer is coming from. Being a person of "moderation" or "centricism" (meaning, never stray too far to the right or left, and always look at things from both sides of the argument), I can see why Beer felt offended with the bias towards the French.

                It's quite alright though. But let's do a little bit of humor in regards to the general stupidity associated with insurgents - warfighters that have very little safety training. :P

                Let's see...

                If a Landmine explodes in the middle of the desert, does anyone hear it?
                One day, a pair of insurgents were carrying Landmines in their truck, and selected a desolate section of highway in the middle of the desert between two large cities. The landmines are of a button-type design. (Similar to the ones in ArmA)

                While placing the landmines into the holes his partner had dug and shoveling moving dirt back into the first landmine's hole, the younger man asks, "Hey, which way are we supposed to bury these landmines?"

                "Why do you ask?" responded the other.

                "Well...I think we're putting them in upside down."

                The two insurgents were never heard from again.
                Hey guys, this is a public service announcement from NKato. I am Deaf, so when the helo goes down, you're best off typing "AAAAAAAAIIIEEEEE!!!" instead of attempting to scream it. Thanks!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: A Few Funnies!

                  Without wanting to be violently and messily banned for racism, and as I am from England, I would like to add some French military jokes that I have heard.

                  Why are the streets of Paris lined with trees?
                  So the occupying army can march in the shade.

                  The French are very reliable in combat. They're always there when they need you.

                  An American general said this, but I'm not sure who: Going to war with the French as your ally is like riding a unicycle with an accordian. Totally useless, irritating, and it makes a lot of noise.

                  And of course, the ever-popular 'French military victories'. If, for some bizaare reason, you have no idea what I am on about then go to Google, type 'French military victories' and click 'I'm feeling lucky'.
                  |TG-Irr| westyfield

                  Sig pic by Sonic, avatar by Chalcas. Thanks!
                  Irregular since 2007.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: A Few Funnies!

                    Originally posted by BeerHunter View Post
                    Sorry and I know it's all in jest , but I do take offense to a constant barrage of "French" jokes.

                    Thanks.
                    Charlemagne was an all conquering badass, and he was French. Jean of Arc was a little girl. They strapped her into a suit of plate and she went forth and kicked ass. Names may also have been taken. Various Louis have defined the balance of power in Europe, and I do recall some Napoleon guy who moved in, took over, and conquered everything worth conquering. The French held their own for years in World War I, and while the country as a whole didn't fare well in the early stages of WWII the French Resistance contributed a lot to the war effort.

                    We can joke, but the French have a long and colorful history of beating the snot out of just about everyone


                    PS - If your attack is working at all it's probably an ambush.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: A Few Funnies!

                      Originally posted by FrankManik View Post
                      I do recall some Napoleon guy who moved in, took over, and conquered everything worth conquering. The French held their own for years in World War I, and while the country as a whole didn't fare well in the early stages of WWII the French Resistance contributed a lot to the war effort.
                      We can joke, but the French have a long and colorful history of beating the snot out of just about everyone
                      Er....terribly sorry old boy, but all of the above is absolute tripe!

                      Napoleon kicked pretty much most of the European backsides until he encountered the British, where a certain chap called the Duke Of Wellington gave him the Boot!!

                      As to WW1...... Again complete nonsense, the Commonwealth forces held the majority of the Western Front battle lines throughout the war as the French lines continued to be moved further and further back. Lets not even go near WW2... "Can you say roll over?"

                      They were pathetic!

                      The Brits have always beaten the French throughout time, apart from that Damned William chappy in 1066!!! & to be fair the only reason July the 4th is now an independance day for the US is because of "rare" French help over the British forces, without which Washington would have lost, according to all credible military historians.

                      So no, in my book, the French are fair game, if for no other reason than their sheer arrogance of self belief and lack of gratitude for past events, deserves a little piss take every now and then!
                      BlackDog1




                      "What we do in life... echoes in eternity!"

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: A Few Funnies!

                        Fair enough. I mostly just like Charlemagne.

                        Didn't you guys destroy some Dane's army one day, then force march 20 miles to Hastings and hold William off for a good while before he did something fancy with his cavalry?

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: A Few Funnies!

                          Er a bunch of those damn frisky Norwegian Vikings! Harold Hadrada and Tostig Goodwinson thought they would land in the north, so King Harold II marched his 7000 troops up North (roughly 200 miles...on foot)

                          Fought a battle and kicked ass so to speak, then heard that the sneaky Frenchman, Duke William of Normandy had landed with 8400 troops (Cavalry, Archers and Infantry in 700 boats!!!) on the South coast. So our Saxon nutcase and all-round "hardman", decided to march his force back down 200 miles (having just won a huge battle with many of the guys totally knackered) to fight near Hastings and it was a damn close fight, unfortunately an arrow in the eye for poor Harold and a cunning retreat trick by the sneaky French, who by the way were also joined by a bunch equally gutless mercenary swines (Guess who... the Italians!!). Now being that the Saxons were fighting the French I can see how they probably figured on seeing the French turn heel and run away, that they were up to their usual tricks!! Unfortunately on that occasion it was an ambush and the rest as they say is history!

                          So, we got raided by French, had all our hot looking women stolen by the mad pointy hatted Scandics, ended up with a german Royal Family, had every conquered country turn against us (I dont understand why?!?) ;) and now we have Scotland with its own Parliament and yet more fricking Scots in positions of power in Westminster (England) than English people......

                          Oh..... and such is our immigration problem now, that everyone in London working in a bar, hotel or any other service job is from the former Eastern Block and portions of the country now resemble Karachi or Bombay more than Birmingham or Bradford! Where everyone wants to stick to their own religions and slag off our country yet at the same time take the free handouts and free health care!

                          and...........our national dish is no longer Fish and Chips but now ... "Curry"!!!!!!

                          God Bless GREAT BRITAIN........

                          F$#k Me......the saving grace is all you bastards now speak "ENGLISH!!" God Save the Queen! ;)
                          BlackDog1




                          "What we do in life... echoes in eternity!"

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: A Few Funnies!

                            Lol too true blackdog

                            My name: Adept a skilled or proficient person Abyss a deep, immeasurable space, gulf, or cavity
                            So I'm a very skilled deep hole :D

                            Comment

                            Connect

                            Collapse

                            TeamSpeak 3 Server

                            Collapse

                            Advertisement

                            Collapse

                            Twitter Feed

                            Collapse

                            Working...
                            X