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I completely agree, but the problem is that BF3 is by nature a game that's based around competition. Whenever there's competition, most people naturally try to win. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe Amnesia is a single-player experience, so winning and losing is significantly less of a factor than competitive games.
I'm not saying it's all about winning, but all things remaining equal, most people care about winning, just to varying degrees. If I had the ideal squad, and lost 5 rounds in a row (as long as we weren't steamrolled), I'd be perfectly content. But I think I'd be just as happy if not a little more to have a less-than-perfect-but-still-very-good squad with some wins thrown in. That being said, I'd rather have a good squad that's competitive but loses than a crappy squad that's steamrolling.
In competitive games, winning is unfortunately a part of immersion, that's just human nature.
I don't see any relationship to BF3. BF3 is about winning, but maturely and tactically.
Little twist, for conversation's sake:
If winning is what we want, then we're abiding by the standards of excellence others set for us. Either the players on the server, or the creators of the game.
If the self-betterment is the goal instead, then the only limit to our excellence is us.
I personally think self-betterment is a better goal than "winning". Not only do you have no control over whether the team wins, but more importantly, you could run 50/5 and steamroll a team and really not exert yourself mentally. I know I've had plenty of rounds in BF2142 where I won and I felt like I hadn't really learned anything new, hadn't really pushed myself. The environment - the people around me - were setting my standard for what excellence was. I see now that was a silly idea.
My excellence is when I push myself to the limit, and learn something new. Become better at something.
On the exact opposite side of the spectrum, a brand new player would feel awful according to the environment-set standards of winning in BF3. Everyone is more experienced, and better, hence he's never winning. But that's just plain silly.
If today he's 10% better at any aspect, he has won by the definition of self-betterment.
I think it's important to candidly evaluate what winning means. Winning means little to nothing if other people determine what we define winning. If we ourselves define what it means to win, according to our own limits, our own goals, then winning is a much more satisfying thing to achieve, and much more conducive to personal growth.
I think in order, winning for me is squad winning, then personal winning, then team winning. If I look back on an evening, and I had a good squad experience, and we handled what we needed to handle, that's a winning night for me. I monitor my points per round, my K/D, and other metrics the game gives me to measure my personal performance, so if those are high for a round, I'm winning. Weirdly, team winning is last, probably to your point, that is the least in my control on a decently populated server.