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Q-Spot ALL The Things

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  • Q-Spot ALL The Things

    Ohaidere, haven't seen some of you in ages, hello, hello. Hello as well to the new people. I'm sure you will learn to sigh and place your palm upon your forehead everytime you see me soon enough. Nonetheless, I would like to share a short little story with you.

    It's no secret that I love tanks. I really, really like that feeling of satisfaction when a HEAT round blows a group of infantrymen skyhigh. Its the sort of guttural rush that makes one want to cackle madly in delight (something I frequently indulge in whilst backing over my own teammates). Lack of road-crossing hazard lights in the rear aside, I found that I picked a bad time to buy BF3. Gone are the days when I could get into a tank and feel like I made a difference on the battlefield. I'm no sooner out of the UCB than I'm tripping over the burnt-out husks of the tanks that rolled out right in front of me. Their smoking super-structures mercifully obscure the oncoming hail of death by incoming missile fire. BAM! BAM! Vehicle disabled. Get out to repair? PFFFFTTTT /spitdrink Yeah right mate, BOOM HEADSHOT.

    5 excruciating rounds later, IR smoke. Oh cool, maybe I can finally break those annoying lock-o.... NOPE. HELICOPTER'D. Oh what's that? Stinger missiles? USELESS. Good thing I have this mobile AA backing me.... Oh. Mines. Nevermind then! Onward to vic- C4 suicide. GG, recon man. GG.

    Alright then. Maybe I do better as Recon. It's my other secret love, I just love to counter-snipe. OH HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, BATMAN, IS THAT A MOBILE SPAWN BEACON? Sweet! Now I can place this large obnoxiously flashing red light fixture near me so it can beep loudly and tell every enemy within 100m where I am! Alright, okay, pretty good scope here on this gun, set up a shot... wait a second, this thing has 21 shots per magazine? WAIT A DAMN SECOND. You did not just... Oh they did. They defaulted me a semi-auto battle rifle. Except, it has high-powered optics, for all your scope sway needs at mid range, because I sure hope to God you didn't think about using that thing from more than 100m away. That's just the right range to engage that horde of infantry zeroed in on you from the spawn beacon, right?

    WRONG. Forget headshots, you can't even hit the body! The bullets move so slow I can SEE THEM FALLING FOR 2 WHOLE SECONDS. Meanwhile, that support dude down there is busy turning you and your immediate area into a highly aerated patch of dirt and entrails, meanwhile your vision is switching between the TWILIGHT ZONE and the Titanic hitting an iceberg while you're tripping balls on LSD that expired last year. Also, MOTION BLUR, as if being aboard a sinking ship while your guts are being painted on rocks by a .50 wasn't enough to make you seasick.

    Okay, eff it. I AM A TACTICAL GAMER. I will go ASSAULT MEDIC ON THEIR SORRY BUTTS, AND TEAMPLAY LIKE A MUCKFOTHERING BAWSS. I will REVI... What? What the hell do you mean you don't have a... Oh. I have to UNLOCK it. Okay. Alright. Fine. I shall simply duck behind this corner, and pull out my medpack to hea... WHY IN THE GODDAMN HELL DID YOUR PUNK ASS THROW IT OUT IN THE STREET?! What good does it do me there? Is there a way to stop that from happening? Whatever, fine, I shall now only pull out my MAGICAL BAG OF HEALING WONDER whenever there is a good solid wall I can chuck it at. It activates the ICYHOT pads ahead of time so I can apply it to this RAGING HEADACHE I have from getting an 870 to the face. Alright, so, I'm padding my stats on my bunched up squadies like there's no tomorrow, I'm dishing out SUPPORTING FIRE by shooting short bursts at absolutely nothing in particular and getting 50 points every time, and generally, all is going well. Oh damn, my squad is moving on that flag, better move to suppo... OH SWEET BABY JESUS, MY EYES, MY EYES ARE BLEEDING OUT MY NOSE, ALL I CAN SEE IS LENS FLARE. Wait, I just got killed by a guy with a damn flashlight that blinded me in BROAD DAYLIGHT. Seems legit. Oh cool, my squadie revived me! Now to show those punks who's... WHY CAN'T I MOVE, I AM BEING NAILED IN PLACE BY UNSEEN ASSAILANTS, SEND HELP. Aw damn, what a nice guy, he brought me back from the brink of death again! I guess I better STAND UP this time and get into cov... LAV CURBSTOMP. Well played, LAV, well played.

    I spawn back in on my teammate, who just so happens to be genuinely interested in the giant wet spot on the front of my combat fatigues from the ordeal I just went through. So much so that he is shining his LASERPOINT into my eyes and giving me impromptu LASIK, which is just as well, because he finishes just in time for me to see the crystal clear image of an RPG five feet from my face and coming in for an aggressive kiss. I pucker up for that sucker and bite it. For my troubles I somehow unlock the defib, and I play the rest of the round by hiding in a corner and zapping people that fall dead next to me screaming something about being Russians and not being able to lose 0-459. There might have been something in there about objectives, too, but I think they might be mythical, because I was too busy analyzing the exact mineral composition of the battlefield topsoil to ever see such a magnificent sight.

    Long story short, I now spend my rounds sitting in the UCB spamming Q like a monkey and watching the 10s scroll across my screen while furiously debating to myself whether anyone will ever notice that guy up on the crane that I have spotted out for the past 30 minutes and is SOFLAMING all our armor. Oh wait... maybe, maybe, nope, that guy was just trying to shoot down a jet with his default AT weapon, carry on. It is these moments as well that I find out how really, REALLY, ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL my pinky toe is to my general well being. A bullet takes it off and suddenly I'm hemorraging blood from my ears and puking up last night's field rations. They taste like asparagus, I think, as my soul slips out from my bleeding stump of a pinky toe and heads off to Valhalla, which actually turns out to be 24/7 Camp Gibraltar as PAC, and ONLY PAC. You're given 5 RDX and a detonator that doesn't work, and defending Harbor is the revenants of Zhohar and Bommando, and a ghostly EU walker is sitting at the road to Toll Station spitting rainbows from the chainguns, and my soul immediately recognizes Lyra, just before it is abruptly shoved back into my body at some random flag in the ass-end middle of nowhere, where it will inhabit it for a grand total of 5 seconds before being liberated by a slice of the jugular and cast back into the depths of Battlehell 2142.


    TL;DR: I am really bad at this game.




    "Cum bellum clamavit, nos respondivi..."


    "I've given everything I can... There are no heroes left in man..."

  • #2
    Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

    Welcome to my average night playing BF3...
    sigpic




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    • #3
      Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

      Don't give up, you'll get the hang of it.
      |TG|Melee
      Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose!

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      • #4
        Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

        Lord that was the best recap of one's initial rounds that I have read in a long time :D. Keep trying and if you see me on, squad up buddy, I"ll help you see more than the soil at your feet!! :)
        sigpic


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        • #5
          Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

          Looking at picking the game up myself and getting in on the action. So glad I have THIS to look forward to. ;-)
          |TG-55| Infantry Division - Former Captain


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          • #6
            Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

            This is the best BF3 related thing I have ever read!
            Thank you for the laughs. :)
            "Nemo Saltat Sobrius, Nisi Forte Insanit"

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            • #7
              Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

              L.

              O.

              L.
              BF4: Indiscrimin8

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              • #8
                Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

                Hopefully you can avoid these too.

                sigpic

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                • #9
                  Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

                  I Laughed SO HARD hahahahahha but its hilariously true. In my opinion, even with the graphics 2142 had fiecer fire fights, and everything you was soo true
                  |TG-Irr| di1lweed1212

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                  • #10
                    Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

                    I laughed so hard I nearly burst a vein in my neck, you have a way with words MUCKFOTHER BAWSS. ;)

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                    • #11
                      Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

                      This sums up everything I feel when coming back to BF3 after an extended break... You get the hang of it, but some of the things are just silly... WHY AM I BLINDED IN DAYLIGHT! ROUAGOHAGHA. Thank JESUS the flashlight was patched...

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                      • #12
                        Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

                        Oh, hi there LK. Long time no see...

                        Nice write-up.
                        [S7]Hablos
                        Proud to have been part of the 101st Siege Corps of Engineers

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                        • #13
                          Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

                          Originally posted by LordKelvin View Post
                          It's no secret that I love tanks. I really, really like that feeling of satisfaction when a HEAT round blows a group of infantrymen skyhigh. Its the sort of guttural rush that makes one want to cackle madly in delight (something I frequently indulge in whilst backing over my own teammates). Lack of road-crossing hazard lights in the rear aside,
                          This brings back good memories to a game and clip from the past.:D Great story Kelvin, good laughs.

                          Credits to PM..
                          2:19 The teamkilling he mentioned, but it should be noted that they had to look left and right before crossing the road.:D
                          Last edited by Bert Haanstra; 04-08-2012, 02:57 PM. Reason: Added TK time.
                          Proud to have been an Irregular!

                          2142: Medic4Hire - BF4/Origin: MedicNL

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                          • #14
                            Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

                            I believe this has turned into an "I miss 2142" thread.



                            Former TG-21st
                            Swift Mobile On Target

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                            • #15
                              Re: Q-Spot ALL The Things

                              I guess it would be too arrogant of me to think it was an 'I miss LordKelvin' thread. XD

                              Glad you guys enjoyed it, there might be a sequel, given some new frustrations have emerged!




                              "Cum bellum clamavit, nos respondivi..."


                              "I've given everything I can... There are no heroes left in man..."

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