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  1. #1

    jex's Avatar

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    The Diary of Master 'Meat Mincer' Chief

    Damn it! What’s going on? I’ve been taken out of hyper sleep and the ship is under attack by some force known as the covenant. We’re hopelessly outnumbered. Well we were hopelessly outnumbered until they woke me up and I’m pissed I can tell ya. Was havin’ this nice dream with me and some late 20th century pop chick called Madonna. Guess I’ll never know what, exactly, she was gonna do with that porcupine. Anyway I am Master Chief and I’m gonna kick butt.

    Er… where the heck is my gun?? Oh no time for that I have to follow this dude to see the captain. He’s running kinda slow, guess it gives me a chance to check out the décor round here. Now all I need is a…

    KABOOM!!!

    God dammit! My guide is deader than a road kill in the morning. I’ll have to find my own way to the bridge. Ooh lotsa peeps here battling these, um, what in the world is that?? A mutated badger? Anyway enough of the genetics lesson, the captain is probably spittin’ by now. Ooh look at all these bodies of my dead comrades. Why are none of them carrying any firearms? What sorta ship is this? Hey there’s some guy willing to show me the way. The battle will have to wait.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I’m with the captain now, he’s bringing me up to speed on what’s… holy cremola!! Hey this chick is hot!! Ok she’s a hologram but look at those pixels. Good job I got this helmet on hehe… captain can’t see me staring. Better nod my head occasionally so he thinks I’m listening. Now if only she’d just turn a little more to the left I could check out her rear. Come on baby, turn left, turn left, come on MC, use your powers of telepathy, will her to turn left. God dammit it’s not working. What if I side step a little. Maybe I’ll pretend to have a cough and stumble that way. Yeah that’s it, that’s a plan. Wait! Hey she’s turning left. Come on baby – just a little more… That’s it….AWWWWW he’s gone and damn well pulled her. WHAT!! You wanna stick her in my head (hehe – is there a groinal attachment to this.. ahem, er, hey baby, like your new home? Yeah yeah, I’ll leave the sexist jokes from now on… bitch. What!? you heard that too? – great, we’re gonna get on just fine. Who programmed you anyway – mother Teresa? Jenna Jameson would’ve been my choice.

    Ok enough of this. If I can’t get my kicks checkin’ out your ass (and I know all of you lot were ) then I’ll just have to settle for my next best hobby. From checkin’ ass to kickin’ ass - Master ‘Mince Meater’ chief is in da’ house and ready to play catch the bullet. What?? You’ve only got a pistol? And NO AMMO?? Christ what kind of captain are you. One who’s about to ram the enemy – ah right. Best get goin’ then huh?

    Right I’m movin’. I have no idea where I’m going but judging by all these locked doors it seems my way is already mapped out for me. Blam Blam thank you ma’am. Die you half-breed badgers. I’m kickin’ ass and taken names. I’m doin’ so well I’m gonna have to get me another pen and notepad.

    Hold up a minute – didn’t I just walk down this corridor? Ah well. Onwards and, um, onwards I guess. Hmmm think I should get me some more guns. Eh?? What’s goin’ on here then. It seems I been feeblated. I can only pick up two guns – they’re not even big guns, look, see? Look I have a pistol, now that can go in a holster, as could these alien laser pistols right? The assault rifle I can sling over my back leaving my hands free for this porcupine looking weapon. (Mmm wonder if Madonna is around here?). What? No?? You mean simple physics don’t apply here? 2 weapons max? Hrrmph.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Ok, I’m on this big hoola hoop floating in space. I’m a bit disappointed here. I want some more kick-ass power but after masses of combat I’ve yet to come across anything better than these crappy laser pistols that overheat too quickly.

    The dune buggy was kinda cool and it was nice saving my fellow shipmates but I want more firepower. I’m about to go up into the ship and rescue the captain – looks like his ramming plan didn’t work out to good after all. Maybe they’ll have some decent guns up there.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Aww crap. What is going on here? I can’t go on another step. Do these corridors EVER end? Door after door, corridor after corridor, alien after goddamn, weirdo looking mutant badger alien things. I feel so sorry for these guys. They sound soooo cute when you get a frag to stick to ‘em, hehe. Aww well (didn’t he write animal farm?). I’ve decided that the alien’s weapons are pretty useless. I found the best tactic is to run into the middle of the lot of them and hold down the trigger of the assault rifle and let rip. Then run off whilst you reload and repeat the process. It’s a pretty messy way to do things, alien blood spatters everywhere :twisted:

    Anyway more corridors – no wait, it’s a, it’s a… It’s another loading bay! Yippee. I guess the corridors aren’t so bad though. At least they go from turning left to turning right and I do like some variation.

    Hey wait – there’s the captain. Surely now we’ll get a cut scene to watch where we do a desperate esacpe so we don’t have to..what? Why are you nodding…Oh no! Please no. For the love of all that is pure and good... You wouldn’t be so evil.. You mean we have to go ALL the way back!!!!!

    Was this game designed to MAKE mental patients? Gimme a break? How about a bribe? Fine, let’s get going then.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Ok we rescued the captain and now, after what feels like hours, I have another piece of the story (yeah, that’s right – I said story). Halo is a weapon! Yeah that blew me away too. My what do the minds of writers bring eh. It’s a weapon and we need to stop the Darth Vader from using it to control the galaxy. Wait. Not bad ole DV. It’s the Borg, oops not them either. Damn it I was so sure this was an original plot too. Oh well.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Is it me or is there a slight bit of copying going on round here? I’ve finally found the story, it’s called mutated badgers try to destroy the universe by making everything look the same. Oh well I’m off to get deeper into this halo thing and blow it up.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    BRIDGES….ARRGGHHHHH…BRIDGES

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    AAARGGHHH… ROOMS AFTER BRIDGES….ARRRGGGHHH

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I swear I’m headed for the loony bin. How much more can one man seriously take? Did the designer of this thing make one room and then multiply it a thousand times? His favourite saying must be ‘infinitum’.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Ok so now we have the mungo men involved. Ever wondered what a giant hand on a pair of legs look like? Hey, go no further ‘cos we have ‘em right here. Not only that but we also have huge buttocks on legs too. COME ON!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!!!????

    Mutant badgers
    Hands on legs
    Buttocks on legs
    Infinite rooms of insanity
    Corridors of cruelty

    This is a joke right. I mean, I paid good money to be here. Is there a deficit in morons. Does the world need any more? Obviously according to the ‘designers’.

    So anyway I have another plot twist for you. Hehe – get this. This big ring is a means of starving the entire universe to death. What a great plan eh. Good job ole sexy bum was around. If it was left to me would’ve condemn everything to eternal doom. I won’t go into why this thing was made ‘cos I don’t know. And NO! god dammit I still didn’t see her behind. Hey, it’s the only thing that keeps me going. OK anyway I gotta run, we need to blow up everything – or something like that. Hard to keep track what exactly is going on with all these corridors and rooms in between.

    Did I pick ‘moron’ when it came to the challenge level?

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Boo hoo hoo. No matter how many times I batter my head it still doesn’t hurt enough. The rooms, the rooms!!! Arrgghhhhhh *sob*

    Why are they the same as the bridges rooms. More walking hands and buttocks and after going though all these damn rooms I have to stick myself in some energy field. Ok I get a kick from that part but still….

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    All the power cores are done. This is as far as I have got. My last entry to date. What does the future hold for good old MC. For some reason I have a vague idea of what is left. This is my prediction.

    After battling for endless hours through unimaginative rooms and bridges, which all looks the same, the player finally goes spacko, makes his own thermo-nuclear warhead and shoves it up the ass of Bill Gates

    Oooh I just knew there had to be a good ending.
    [/url]

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  3. #2

    jex's Avatar

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    Mmmm... Me thinks I need a proof reader.

    Luna?

    hehe
    Jex.


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  5. #3

    Twisted_Firestarter's Avatar

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    That was a pretty funny take on that pathetic story line. Good one!
    Twisted Firestarter
    a.k.a |TG| Harkonian

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  7. #4

    Daxx's Avatar

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    The AI is hot

    I am the one, I am the zero, I am your low resolution hero.

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  9. #5

    Wintermute's Avatar

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    What game is this?
    Wintermute

    Play EVE online. It's like being an accounting addict in space.

    www.MakePovertyHistory.com

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  11. #6

    jex's Avatar

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    Halo
    Jex.


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  13. #7


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    corridoor, bridge, room, kill everything, reload ammo, repeat....

    corridoor, bridge, room, kill everything, reload ammo, repeat....

    corridoor, bridge, room, kill everything, reload ammo, repeat....


    I got fed up near the end, gave it back to the guy that loaned it to me today...

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  15. #8

    jex's Avatar

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    I'm still battling through it. Jeez, and what a battle it is lol.
    Jex.


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